Adeel 0:10
What's up, everyone, thank you for tuning in to another episode of calm Talks. My name is Adeel, and I'm here alongside my co host, and we are here to help you lead a life of peace and progression, one calm talk at a time. Before we get started, just want to say thank you for subscribing to our podcast and continuing to show support. As always, we just really appreciate it. So thank you, as always, on today's episode, we're actually going to be talking about a very, very interesting topic, actually, this one is all about how you find yourself at a bar, maybe spot someone that you like, and how do you approach them, and more specifically, the anxiety that comes with it. And that's what we're going to be diving into deeper. So it's really going to be a fun episode, we have a lot of thoughts on this one and a little techniques. So definitely tune in. And we're also going to be looking at it from the other perspective of a female for what they would prefer to hear when someone is approaching them as well. But before we get into the episode, let's start with what was the motivation to get into this episode? So and I'm gonna let you take it away my friend.
Ant 1:10
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of an embarrassing one, right? But basically, long story very, very short, I had some approach anxiety. I saw a girl nice, cute girl. I thought I wanted to speak to her. And I just couldn't, I literally froze. And, you know, I would say that that's not typically what I have been like in my in my life. But for whatever reason, I just go in my head, and I couldn't go ahead with it. I just start getting in my head saying, What do I say? How do I how do I act? Do I what do I have to do here? I just completely just fumbled it. And I ended up just not saying anything. There's reasons for that, which I don't want to get into a while I was feeling this way. But ultimately, the point is, I had approach anxiety to the point where I didn't approach Fico. I didn't do anything, just got completely in my in my head and just bailed out. So the motivation was, or I guess we were having our conversation, and we always do. And I just asked you about some advice, hey, this happened to me. Kind of like, you know, not really sure how to deal with this. I feel like I'm a kid again, like a 16 year old kid again. Now, what's your take on it? Yeah, I mean, approach anxiety for anyone who hasn't caught on yet is when you identify someone who spots someone, but you have a certain attraction towards, and you just have this anxious feeling that rises up and you just can't approach them. You literally and physically cannot go approach them. Because something just there's some thoughts that are coming in, there might be some preconceived notions that you have some negative emotions and negative feelings that are coming up for you bubbling up for you, and you just forego that opportunity. I think that's the part of the reason of why right? Why do you have this anxiety? Or why did I have it guessing my example? And it's actually for the things you just said, like, in my head, I was thinking, Oh, maybe they weren't like me, and they weren't find me attractive. They weren't, you know, like, the way I look or, you know, how I've presented myself or whatever it is, start getting in my head that for some reason or another, I'm just not good enough, not worthy enough. And normally, I wouldn't really get in my head like normally. I think nine times out of 10 I'm fairly confident person like I'm quite assured of who I am. I do think I know myself and my values really well. But for whatever the reason is, again, I don't want to get into it. But ultimately, I just started second guessing myself not feeling my confidence self.
Adeel 3:32
That was shocking to me, to be honest with you. When you told me this story. I was like What? No,
Ant 3:37
I tell you, I've told a few people this. And they all said to me now that you're lying. You're completely Chang shit you not knowing what to say? Or what? Or how to just say engage with somebody or be that bit confident? No way It doesn't believe it. But I'm obviously not cocky. I don't think I'm cocky. Anyway.
you know, I'm quite happy go lucky. I'm kind of cheeky person. But I just for some reason. Just yeah, it wasn't just wasn't there that day. And the reason for this is because in my head, I was thinking I wasn't good enough, as tight. And actually, this is actually one of the main like, things that happens to me have approach anxiety, you start questioning yourself, or will they like me? Will they find me attractive or them things? Am I good enough. And it all comes down to your own self confidence, which is the topic of today. I realized after that moment, I'm not the most confident version of myself right now. It's actually super normal for this to happen. There's so many people who go through the same motions. I've definitely been in that spot many times in my life as well. So this is definitely so normal. And for any of the ladies listening. Trust me like when you're on the flip side when you have to go approach someone can be quite scary and nervy at times because you have to say the right things. You have to not be too aggressive, not too subtle. You can't be too friendly or too you know, you can't laugh too much. You actually have to find the
Adeel 5:00
Right, middle ground, like, you know, it's hard to find the right forage for Goldilocks is the same way to find the right opener for any guy. So that's what we're going to jump into, like, what are some of the ways that a person can actually overcome that approach anxiety? Right? Because, again, I think everyone does go through that. And the first places that you have to understand like, Where's that coming from? Like, why is it that you have that approach anxiety to begin with? Confidence is definitely like one of the biggest things over there, right? Like how confident you feel about yourself? What is the dialogue that is happening in your head? If you're truly feeling confident, you're feeling good about yourself, you're not going to second guess yourself. But in that moment, what's happening is that you do question whether you should go up to the person, whether they will reject you or not. And that's where it becomes a bit of a challenge.
Ant 5:51
So how do you resolve this? Right? And I'm asking you, honestly, for that advice on the pot today, how do you overcome that? How do you get that confidence?
Adeel 6:02
I've been through this myself, right? I mean, it's over time you learn to kind of overcome it. But even now, like, I'll have moments where if I see someone that I find attractive, that I won't go do anything, I think the biggest thing is that you do want to build a muscle for it, you want to build some practice out of it, you get better at things that the more you do them. And I think is to me, confidence comes from a history of me doing something successfully. The reason that I think that, hey, my life is going to be fine. Even if I lose everything, let's say financially, like if I lost all the money that I've accumulated so far, with all the hard work that I've done, like if I lose it all, I'm confident enough that I'll make it back. Because I've done it once I've done it like several times where I've actually been able to build my bankroll Baco. So that's what gives me confidence, right, like just having some success to look back at. So I think for me, it's like just focusing on your own track record of winning. Hopefully, you have one of that. And that only comes from practice, right?
Ant 7:01
Well, I think that's probably part of the reason that I'm not really spoken to anyone for so So, so long. So that I think that's a fair point. I think a big part of confidence is competence. And you know, you're competent at something when you can do it off the dome, you can just whenever you want, it's too easy. I guess maybe that's part of the reason is any ways that you can like, without, okay, we understand that. It's a repeat process, I get that. But when you're in that process, or any tips, tricks, techniques, you know, for any listener, because I think part of it, let's say you actually do the hard part, which is like walk up to someone and try to strike a conversation. I think most people will probably struggle with what to fucking say. So yeah, any thoughts there?
Adeel 7:45
You know, what's funny over here, like, you do probably remember this, because I know we were chatting about this. Not too long ago that many months ago, I was on the flip side, where I had gone through a breakup. And I wasn't really feeling confident. I wasn't feeling good about myself. And I was telling you, and I don't know, like, what to go and say to the person, and you are the one who actually gave me advice, saying just go say, Hi, my name is Adeel. I want to try that like the next five times worked every time.
Ant 8:13
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie.
Adeel 8:16
So we've gone full circle, my friend,
Ant 8:19
I guess, it's kind of weird one, I'm kind of asking you for advice I'll give myself because it is a device I give myself. But for me, I had the issue whereby I couldn't even walk up. However, talking, I think the mightiness solid advice, just introduce yourself, doesn't have to be anything fancy, you don't have to say something clever or charming. You just have to be yourself, as long as you're a nice, good person. And people can feel that off for you. They can feel it. If you want to introduce yourself, you're gonna introduce yourself, you know, sad or grumpy or miserable or angry, and it's not gonna work. It's like, if we went for an interview, you would obviously smile, shake someone's hand, be very polite, is pretty much the same thing. You're saying hi. That, for me works anyways, what does it used to mean?
Adeel 9:05
You'll be back, you'll be back. I know you will be. It happens when like, as I said, like I've just told you. Well, I've told everyone who's listening, like my own experience of me having that like many months ago, thing is that having like a backup plan is helpful. And what I mean by a backup is that you want to have like some line that you can just say, and when I say line it that sounds like kind of crude, but you just find like some something in your back in the back of your pocket that you can just drop, just saying like, Hey, my name is x or whatever, right? I think that's just simple. If you're someone who's kind of present and just actually paying attention, maybe just make a comment or something that's you see around right, like if you see something, which is interesting to you, maybe it's like the decor on the wall or painting on the wall. Maybe the you know, you saw like an interesting person walked down the street in New York, like use your environment to make a comment on that. And most people will probably reciprocate. And if they don't, no problem you can kind of move on, but I think you can kind of Use the environment that you have to make a comment on, or just have like a backup plan in your reserves.
Ant 10:05
You know what I think about this right? You know, you said you have a backup line, you know, for me, right? I had that confidence, you know, my old self right past self, let's say, right? Not in this occasion that we're speaking about. But the reason why I had that confidence or where it came from was the fact that had a lot to say, like I do more than just go to work. More than just work in gym, I have interests I have things that I work on outside of, outside of my my job. I have a lot of friends and family, interesting people in my life do interesting things. There's a lot of things I and I know a lot of stuff. I think I do anyways, it's not just what I do for work. I know a lot about different things, not just pop culture, which for me is a massive turnoff. Anyways, I just don't like talking about pop culture. But the point is, right is that a lot of stuff to say. And when you yourself are interesting person, because you've worked on yourself, you're then able to bring it into conversation with a lot of different people. So when I will talk to someone, even some that don't know, and this applies to, you know, maybe person at the bar, but also applies to anything in your life, you're able to start a conversation with a random person, because you yourself have so many different facets to your personality into your interest into your hobbies into who you are as a person. So part of the confidence is actually also because you've had the time develop yourself and develop all your different levels of your own personality. And it's easy to bring that out over in front of let's say you're talking to someone and I don't know you're at a coffee shop, or I like coffee. I don't just like coffee, and we'll go get coffee. I know about coffee. You know, I know about you know, if you want to grind it this way, if you want to like here's this temperature, I know where coffees groans, random stuff, right? You can literally ask them what coffee they're drinking, you know, stuff like that you can just bring up a conversation because you yourself have some knowledge that you can share. And people like that saying it makes you way more interesting. The crux is, is that you've developed yourself to have these different facets, so you're able to then speak to someone the multiple different levels. And that's how you can keep a conversation. Just got
Adeel 11:58
to find some common ground, right? You just got to ask some questions, some go questions, and just find common ground and just go from there. What's also funny is that, you know, you know, me and I don't really watch TV, right? I don't watch Netflix, I don't know what the shows and movies are out there. I was visiting my family for Christmas. And I went and watched avatar with my siblings. You know, that was the last movie I saw. It was a phenomenal film, by the way. So really enjoyed it. But I haven't probably seen anything since then. Apart from like watching football, soccer, I don't really watch anything else. So what I do is if I'm talking to someone that I haven't met before, it might be someone new in my circle, I'd be like, Hey, bring me up to speed. What's the good nowadays, just so I can get to know and like a lot of people that I've met recently, like they told me about the show last of us, which is on HBO. By the way HBO, Max crushes television shows like I did watch the White Lotus. The first season. I haven't seen the second one. But I saw the first season phenomenal. And last of us. I think that's a naked new show. And like everyone's raving about it. Have you heard of it?
Ant 13:02
Yeah, I've never seen White Lotus. But I did watch The Last of Us. Oh, did you? You know, literally. So we have a random one. But you know, I don't really watch TV them. I only started getting the TV when the pandemic happened because I was stuck at home. But yeah, Last of Us is, is the exception. That's because I actually know the game. Again, I played the game in the pandemic, for I watched. And well that's it. Yeah. And yes, it is epic TV, show it worth it.
Adeel 13:26
You know, one of the tips I would also give is that a lot of times a person when they're having this approach anxiety could marry themselves to the outcome too much. And you want to disconnect yourself from the outcome. It's not actually about like, Hey, I'm gonna get this person's number, I'm going to buy them a drink, like wherever you are, right? Whether that's at a cafe or a bar, or a library or books or wherever you are. The objective is not for you to actually like for it to go anywhere at the objective is just for you to have a conversation with someone who possibly could be interesting about your interest. If you have no common interest, you can also just walk away. But once you start actually emphasizing about the outcome as they're like, Oh, she want to get this person's number or take them out on a date, yada, yada. You're kind of just your own Achilles heel, because you're playing that narrative in your mind and connecting yourself to the outcome.
Ant 14:16
Truthfully, that's exactly what happened to me. I started thinking about what I was trying to achieve, rather than just enjoying the moment. Common, very typical for being approached anxiety. You know, let's flip it on its head, right. The other way to not have approach anxiety is to know what the other person's probably looking for. So in this case, your guy and you're approaching a girl at a bar, Alicia say right, you can alleviate your approach anxiety by also understanding what they're probably looking for when they are approached.
Adeel 14:44
They're more I don't really quite yet. Elaborate on that.
Ant 14:47
So let's say okay, I'm a guy approaching a girl at a bar in this situation, but I know that the girl probably wants to feel comfortable, feel safe, feel heard Things like that, right? I guess we all do. But especially by random, if I could put myself in this fantasy girl's shoes, right? As some random guy approaches her, I would probably be scared, maybe a bit nervous, anxious myself. So the first thing I would want to do is know, does this person make me feel safe? Am I in a safe space as well. So if you can put yourself in their shoes, and you know what to give them, or know how to like appease that situation effectively, yourself or alleviate the stress, and also most likely have a better conversation,
Adeel 15:36
I think you should just try to be friendly in that moment, right with, whenever I'm out. I'm not thinking about like, Hey, I just want to have a good time or whatever. He's actually like, the people around me I want, I want them to have a good time as well, whether that's my friends, or anyone else as well, here's what I mean by that. If someone's passing a lot of time, especially in a bar in New York, it gets pretty jam packed. I'm one of those guys who will be like, hey, yeah, if you need space, like I'll actually make space for you. And if I see it, obviously, I'm not always like, I like the bouncer and but I try to accommodate the people around me, I'm quite aware of my surroundings, or at least I tried to be. And my philosophy is just like, oh, yeah, I want to have a good time. But I want everyone around me to have a good time. I don't want to see a fight, I don't want to see should go down. And that's happened in the past. Like, I've had friends who are out of barn like they're about to get in a fight. And I've literally walked up to the group and been like, why do you guys want to ruin tonight? Let's just go have a fun time. I haven't always reacted that way. To be fair, there are other stories as well. But we'll save that for a different
Ant 16:36
episode. And that's definitely not on brand for now. No, no. Well, we
Adeel 16:40
live and we learn, right, exactly.
Ant 16:42
I think this is for me, it's definitely a learning point, right. Because, you know, I am genuinely confident person, but we will have that that lapse. But bringing it back to the point, you said about being friendly. And I think that's a key takeaway. That's actually just a personality trait, what you can work on that yourself, too, if you don't think you're the friendliest person. But I know you and I are very friendly. And when you're friendly, you automatically make feel people feel comfortable. So with the approach, you are in kind of implicitly considering how the recipient is going to feel, which is probably why you may have more success when you approach someone,
Adeel 17:17
you know, I don't want to brag. Look, I've been through those moments as well, right? I think I mentioned that on this episode a couple of times, but you would just want to have a good time. You're just there for a fun time. Even for example, when I go out to a bar, they don't like going out and saying, Hey, I'm gonna go out and meet girls. I've done that when I was young, right? But at this age, I don't want to go do that. Right? To me, it's actually like, Hey, I'm gonna go out with my friends, have a good time with my friends, everyone around me. There's a fun, cool girl, great. There's a fun, cool guy. I'll even have a good conversation with a random guy. I think part of it is just about having like, awareness about your surroundings, and having a good social EQ. That does come with experience as you get older, but you want to be able to read the room. I'll share a quick story actually, right now, about something that happened literally last night when I was at a bar with my friend in the West Village. And at the bar, you know, there was an attractive girl at the corner of the bar sitting with a friend. Yeah, I knew that was coming. And I actually wanted to go talk to him, right. But you know, I had just gotten there, got my drink, blah, blah, blah. And then some guy walked up to her and started talking to her. So a part of my preferences that I'm not going to go in and just you know, actually, like, go talk to a girl who's already speaking to another guy, right? I think that's fairly obvious to most people, but maybe not to everyone.
Ant 18:44
I mean, yeah, I mean, just maybe she likes him. You give people the space common
Adeel 18:48
sense, right? Yeah. So anyways, you know this guy, he honestly just, you know, if you've seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the original one this guy looks like Willy Wonka straight
Ant 18:58
out of there. Imagine this guy's listening right now.
Adeel 19:02
Bro, you might listen to something, you know, he probably needed this. So this guy is just like chatting or, and everything like that. Yeah. And our friend is there too. And he's like, he's this guy was there for like, I don't know, like 1520 minutes. And you could tell the the girls were not into it. You could tell you know. And it was honestly amusing to me because I was kind of seeing this guy kind of just kind of break apart. And my friend was like, you know that those girls are not until we should just go I was like, no, let's you know, let's wait it out. At this point. While I was looking at her. One of her friends basically looked towards me and then I was kind of like finding it abusing it. He was a bit entertaining watching this guy. And then she kind of points towards us like, you know, because she saw us make eye contact. So we go in and we just kind of pretended to know them. You know, like, Oh, hey, thought it was you like, how are you doing great to see you blah, blah, blah. And then talking to the girl and the girl who I found attractive, started talking to her a little bit it. And this guy, by the way, at this point, he should kind of pick up the cues, like, you know, cut your losses and leave my friend. But this guy was No, he didn't move an inch. He's like standing right in the middle. And while like these other conversations are happening, and he's trying to butt himself into the conversation, and then at one point, I just honestly quite politely and in a friendly way just looked at him and said, Hey, could you excuse me a little bit, you know, need some space. And he's like, I was here first. It is a grown ass man. This as an argument at a bar. And then you know, me, you know, I tried to keep my emotions in check and everything like that. I was like, Alright, man, like, cool. This guy's like, half my height. By the way. This guy has like, no social EQ at all. Eventually, he kind of asked the girl for the number, the girl said, No, he got really sad, never got the golden ticket shocked himself out of the factory.
Ant 20:54
Yeah, nice. I think.
Adeel 20:56
Obviously, I'm kind of unintentionally making a bit of fun about this guy, right. But the point is that he was kind of the butt of his own joke. Because he should have had the common sense to see Alright, in this situation, he had many cues to see that the women were not interested in him. Because it was pretty obvious if you're only speaking and they're not really trying to keep the conversation alive, you can see their faces. And then on top of that, two other guys come in, and they're giving them all the attention now that's like cue number two. And then other guys also saying, hey, excuse me, give me some space. cue number three. And then it took cue cue number four, which was, hey, yeah, I'm not interested in you. So I think that's the point, right? Like, you want to be having some level of social acumen that you can kind of read the room, and then just be present adopt to that. Yeah, I
Ant 21:45
mean, ultimately, if you understand if you're aware, and you can see that somebody's not interested in you, or someone's not reciprocating, they're politely basically telling you no, you should be able to read that and just cut your losses, like you said,
Adeel 21:56
and that's why to be honest with you, I think it's tough for a lot of women, because they find themselves in that situation a lot. I'm assuming that there's a lot of guys who are like that, there's probably more guys who don't know how to speak to a woman with respect, politely, in a chivalrous manner. And they don't have the skill set to kind of navigate that conversation. And I think I do empathize with women, or rather sympathize with them. I'm not I have not been in that position. But I can sympathize with them. Because you have to deal with that. And then, you know, with the guy, you just don't know how they're gonna flip, the guy could get angry, the guy could, you know, be a fucking lunatic. There's a lot of like dangers that have female has to go through or consider rather, which we don't know, on
Ant 22:43
the flip side, right? If somebody has GO game, or they're able to like project confidence, the girl probably is also thinking, this guy has done this before million times. He just wants to maybe use me or whatever. You know, they're probably also not feeling that situation. Maybe they like it, because it's a tension, I don't know, right. But ultimately, there's probably still some worry in there, that hey, is this person really like genuinely, they actually really interested in who I am, they probably can't win either way, they're gonna get some person like you just mentioned. Or they might get the opposite where the guy super confident, when they might also think, Oh, this is a complete turnoff to.
Adeel 23:21
That's true. Actually, I didn't think about that.
Ant 23:23
That's why what you said, just being friendly, we have no intention, other than to just say hello, and just introduce yourself, and see where the conversation goes. Probably the best way was the way this worked for me historically. So before we wrap up, three key tips on how to deal with approach anxiety.
Adeel 23:44
Tip number one has to be just kind of sorting your own mind out your thoughts, your feelings, your preconceived notions would be your own enemy. And they're just going to restrict you from moving forward. So that will be tip number one, sort your own mind out any negative thoughts or feelings that you have towards yourself, or maybe about the outcome of that situation, results out first. That's the first step. Step number two is learn to kind of practice and go and speak and have different conversations with people next time you're at the grocery store. Just start talking to the person at the cash register, as you're checking out, right? Just make small talk, just learn to make small talk with this complete stranger, wherever that is just start building that practice building that muscle, because let's be honest with COVID, and happening, maybe a lot of us have kind of lost some of that because we spend more time indoors and less with real social interactions. So that will be tip number two. And tip number three would be to just disconnect yourself from the outcome. The more you focus on the outcome, the worse off you will be. expectations can lead to disappointment. And you just want to disconnect yourself from any of that. The objective for you is not to actually get a number is not to Go on a date or whatever that is, right? The objective is for you to just have a conversation, you find someone interesting, fantastic. If not, move on, you know the sun will still come out the next day and you'll be fine. So that's all for today. Thank you for listening to this episode and I hope you found some of these tips helpful. Go give them a try the next time you're out whether that's at a bar, a coffee or a bookstore, wherever you are, and as always, stay calm
Thank you for listening to another episode of calm talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 25:42
You can also find us on Instagram at calm talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calmtalks.com
Adeel 25:49
And as always, stay calm.