Adeel 0:00
Hey what's up everyone, welcome to another episode of calm Talks. My name is Adeel and I'm here alongside my co host, Dan, we are here to help you lead a life of peace and progression, one calm talk at a time. This is another one off our off the mic sessions, which got inspired from the conversation we were having off the mic, literally. And we're gonna bring it over here for everyone to listen into. And while we were chatting about was if a person would rather be liked, or they're not be disliked. That is the question. And how would you give a bit of background as to how we got into this?
Ant 0:44
Well, you started talking about Atla, and a book you're reading? And that really what prompted the conversation? Right? So I'll kind of bring it back to you in a second. But you know, when you said that, I was like, you know, let's, let's just talk about this over the, over the mic. Because I think it's quite interesting to you know, what do we think people's preferences are? Do they prefer to be liked? Or is it a case of, they just don't want to be disliked?
Adeel 1:08
I tend to think that most people in general, are probably more concerned with not being disliked. Rather than focusing on being liked by people. I mean, even the ones who are I think, who are focusing on being like with another person, I think, hidden underneath that is just this desire not to be disliked. And that's one of the reasons I was reading this book, it's called the courage to be disliked, we'll link it on in the show notes for anyone to check it out. But the setting for that book is basically a conversation between an old philosopher and a young student, a contrarian student, who has a much more, I suppose, negative view of the world. He has this conversation with this philosopher who was teaching him about Alfred Adler, whose teachings of psychology were at the same time with Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, who became much more prominent and popular Sigmund Freud, obviously becoming the father of psychology, with all of his teachings, Freud tended to focus on a person's childhood, that their childhood trauma actually makes them who they are in the future when they become an adult. And you have to kind of work through that, in order to become who you really are. Adler, psychology is a little bit different. His philosophy is that every person is in control of who they are, the past actually doesn't matter. All that matters is what the person wants to future to be. Anyone who's acting a certain way, is actually trying inherently and implicitly, to arrive at their own goal. It's kind of a flip in the, in the mentality, that it's not the past that matters. It's actually just this moment, and actually the future. So it's kind of like has a mirror teaching. And what ends up emphasizing is that all problems in the world are inter relationship problems, that everyone is focused on just not being disliked by other people, and really have to overcome that. And that's what I'm kind of reading through right now. And I'm probably two thirds of the way through the book. And it's a good
Ant 3:13
read, felt to ask you, do you have this fear, all this concern with not being like, being disliked?
Adeel 3:23
Definitely, when I was younger here, because we're all a product of our environment. So when I was younger, as a kid growing up in Pakistan, a lot of the emphasis was to handle yourself and conduct yourself in a way so that you will represent your family well, in society. Like every brown parent wants their kid to become a doctor, and engineer and a lawyer, everything else you're a disappointment. So believe it or not, I'm a disappointment, right? Not really. But you know, it was it was always a joke that I am about with my family about that, because it's very common to have those high expectations. So as a kid, I was conditioned to care about what other people think of my core. I don't think I gave a shit though. I don't think I actually cared about what other people thought. I tried to always follow my own path.
Ant 4:11
Yeah, I think that resonates with me too. Like, I guess, I don't want to be disliked. I don't think anybody wants to be disliked. I don't. But at the same time, if I am disliked, I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. And everyone's gonna like me. And if they don't, I'm not gonna try and make them might have just different values, different viewpoints, different understandings of what's important in life. And that's okay with me to be honest, because I'm quite headstrong and steadfast in why I believe and why I believe and why conduct my life. And if someone doesn't like me for that, then that's fair enough. Everyone's allowed their own viewpoint have their own progressive. I don't really have this. I don't think I have this fear of, of they're not going to like me. Personally, I don't think so.
Adeel 4:55
I mean, just on the previous episode, we were uncovering this topic about having difficult time realizations in your professional and your personal life. I think a lot of times in that also the fear person has is that that conversation could go poorly. And maybe there could be a conflict between them. You don't want to be disliked by the other person, you don't want to be on the maybe this slide is not the right word. But maybe you just don't want to be get on the wrong side of that other person.
Ant 5:21
I think you mentioned the word fear. I think that's true, right? There's a fear there and that you're fearful, you're scared that somebody won't like you for some reason?
Adeel 5:30
Yeah. I mean, one of the things that Adler actually builds on is that if someone dislikes you, and this is really important, is that if someone dislikes you, how is that your problem? If someone dislikes you, that's their problem. And that's really tough, right? It's easy to give such advice. But if I'm doing what I want, if I'm wearing what I want, if I'm carrying myself in a way that I'm proud of it, it doesn't matter what another person thinks, we actually place a decent amount of emphasis on what other people's opinions are. It's probably been true throughout history. But in the age of social media, we literally put ourselves up for judgment from others, the likes, the comments that we received, the content that we create online, we're putting ourselves up for judgment for criticism, and we get lost in that.
Ant 6:24
You just mentioned something there about people disliking you and is their problem. What do you think are the reasons for people disliking others?
Adeel 6:32
It says more about them. If someone is disliking another individual for what they do, that's a bigger reflection on themselves. If I'm going around and living my life, and I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not harming anyone nor ruining anyone else's day, then that's of no concern to anyone else. Why should that be? So I do think that that's a bigger reflection on the other person, if I disliked them, what would you say? What do you think it means for someone to be disliked? Like what does that say about them?
Ant 7:05
Yeah, I was thinking about it, too. And if I think do I dislike anyone? Not really, to be fair, like, there are probably a few people that I dislike, actually, what I don't like, I don't like it when someone doesn't care about how they actually makes other people feel. I don't like people that arrogant. I think that they're always right. That what they say what they do is the best. I don't like it when they're just obnoxious. And they have no consideration of somebody else's feelings or thoughts. What does that say about me? Why do I dislike their behavior? That's actually quite a tough question to ask. When I think why do people dislike stuff? Or dislike other people? I think it's probably because it shows something in within within them that they don't like about themselves. So maybe there's some deep fear there or some concern there of mine that maybe I can be obnoxious. Maybe that's what it is. You think, yeah, maybe? Because like, why would you do dislike anyone or anything?
Adeel 8:07
Plenty of people, unfortunately. Like what? Oh, you know, what, actually, I can think of someone who maybe I wasn't a fan of a few years ago, is the guy that I used to work with? Who are my company, kind of used to just suck up to people. And that was something that I was not a fan of. That was never my schpeel I've never been the sort who sucks up. Okay. Why do you dislike that? Because I don't do that. And I know that that guy's getting an edge on me, in some respects, because a lot of the C suite or whatever leadership team, my be a fan of his. And they might look at me and go like, Oh, yeah, he just, you know, he does his job really well. He's sociable. He's a good person to talk to. But this other guy, he's just always complimenting us and always make going off away. I've never decided who's going to start playing golf. Just because, you know, my boss plays it. You know, I've never been that sort. He's the type of guy who would go pick up golf lessons, just so he could go play golf with these people. So I think it's more about because I recognize that he's doing something that I don't want to do. For whatever reason.
Ant 9:17
Yeah, I mean, when I was talking about the say, the people that are obnoxious or, you know, arrogant, don't think of other people's feelings. I think that winds me up as well. Maybe it's because I'm fearful that I could be that way sometimes. Or maybe it's to what your point is, maybe I just don't like it because I think I'm not like that. And I think people should be like that. I think I am like that. I think I'm very careful what other people think and feel and how they might react. So maybe it just irks me when somebody is not like that because I don't think that's the quote unquote, right way to be.
Adeel 9:49
What's the cost of being afraid of being disliked.
Ant 9:54
I think if you're afraid to be disliked, you're kind of afraid to also be liked by some If you're afraid to be disliked, you're afraid to do any things, say anything or be anyone that could go outside the realms of being disliked. By then nobody's gonna gravitate towards you, because you're just, you're just nice, you know, quote unquote, again, nice. The nice guy, the nice person is not with all due respect, they're just not memorable. They're just, they're boring, right? They're just, they're, I'm also it's nothing wrong with being nice. I think being nice is a fundamental thing, you should be nice, that doesn't cost anything, you should treat everybody, nicely, fairly, respect, etc. But I think if you're scared to be disliked also scared to effectively be liked by some, because we're able to go outside the boundaries a little bit.
Adeel 10:48
If you kind of focus on not being disliked by a person inadvertently, you may try to go out of your way to be liked by that person, right, you're going to constantly keep going out of the way. And they're just saying, I've said in the past, as well, in some of the episodes that you're everyone's friend, you're no one's friend. So you'd really want to you want to be yourself. And whoever likes you likes you, if you get caught up in that, you're always trying to accommodate who they are and what they do. And that's not really going to bring you longevity in your relationships.
Ant 11:23
I think also, if you're just not if you're trying to just be not be disliked, it kind of suggests to me that you don't have any, like, strong sense of like, where your value lies, because you're just trying to be complacent with everything and everyone. That makes sense.
Adeel 11:41
If you're focused on not being disliked, you're just complacent. Say more about that.
Ant 11:45
So you want to go through life and not upset anyone or do anything. Because you're you don't want anyone to dislike you, then really your value is just in being a people pleaser. Whereas if you're someone who has a strong set of values, and whatever it might be, you are going to risk being disliked by some people, because then people will have values against them strong values of yours. So when you're just, you know, not when you're trying to just not be disliked. I guess it's kind of like a proxy to say, you're not super strong in any set of values. You're just kind of overarching, like in the media and everything. Yeah, I
Adeel 12:28
would say so I think that truly if you're showing yourself and who you are, you don't care if people like you or not, as long as you like yourself. If a part of you is not in love with yourself or dislikes yourself, then you're kind of afraid from getting that rejection from other people. But if you truly love yourself, you don't care if someone else loves you, you don't care if someone else likes you, you go on about your day, go on about your life, living with your own values.
Ant 12:55
Yeah, the kind of way of thinking about it is like someone that somebody is always trying to be liked. That's also somebody that basically just appeasing everybody else's values. appeasing everybody. Yeah, 100%, they just appeasing everybody else is everybody else that has their own version of their worth, has their own value of their worth. That person is just trying to hone in on that trying to like, latch onto that to be liked by them. They're trying to show they have a similar ethos mentality rules, they live their life by it, that someone is trying to be liked. But then again, if you're just trying to be liked by everyone, then what do you do independently? As an individual, what do you stand for as an individual?
Adeel 13:37
Yeah, and you know, it's tough because I dated a girl who was definitely a bit of a people pleaser. And she was friends with everyone, right? And you probably even know what I'm thinking about right now. But she was a lovely person, she was a friendliest person I've ever met. And it was a great relationship didn't work out because we had different sort of paths that we were going on. And we had a mutual agreement that we're going to split ways. But she was everyone's friend. And every week, there was like a new person visiting New York and have to crash at our place. And I found that to be honest with you a bit bizarre. But it's also because that's not how my life is set up. Right. It's not that one way is bad or good. However, I would probably say that, in my opinion, that that's not how I like to set up my life. I like to set up my life with a core group and focus on a small group, which is, which is very close to me tightly knit and brings a lot of value to me. So when you kind of try to appease everyone, like you said, you could get lost out there. But the flip side is that if you're someone who doesn't care about that at all, you could also be a nuisance to society. Someone who says like, Hey, I'm just going to act like a dickhead. And I just don't give a shit what people think about me. Those people exist in today's society as well. I don't think that's pretty good either. Probably do want to find some moderation to live in the middle.
Ant 15:05
You know what's ironic, right? By law, the people that are divisive in today's world are the ones that actually get hurt the most. They're the most famous or the most liked or followed or, you know, we looked up to on Instagram and all these social media outlets. For some reason people would like these divisive figures that are not feared. They don't fear being disliked these people.
Adeel 15:31
I think that's one of the reasons Andrew tape will became so famous, right? Because he was saying things which were quite divisive and controversial. And this is not to advocate for him or against him. But just on his speech and his delivery, I could tell that he did not care about what other people think he would constantly be authentic and be himself. And I think that was a big reason he kind of rose to fame and popularity.
Ant 15:58
He I think that's the same reason. You like Trump, you know, back when he was going for presidential election, etc. He didn't give a shit. Clearly, people rocked with it. I mean, obviously, he became the president.
Adeel 16:11
Yeah, I think there's something powerful there. I think that going back to the work that I had mentioned, that's what the book talks about is, how do you can you have the courage to be disliked? When you're kind of focused on whether it's being liked by people or just not being disliked whatever the case may be? Ultimately, you want to develop a courage, and it does require courage to be disliked. And that's how you stand out.
Ant 16:36
How does one go about having this courage to be disliked?
Adeel 16:41
I think it's an acceptance of the fact that other people's opinions don't get you closer to your goals. What you do in your life, is all that you can control. And it's about understanding and accepting that, that only you can influence your future and your progress towards your goals. Once you let someone else dictate your life and influence your life, you're going down a slippery rope, a slippery path. Imagine someone's opinion was you shouldn't brush your teeth. Or someone's opinion was, hey, you shouldn't eat that healthy food. That's a real example. By the way, I when I used to go into the office, and I would take my meal prep food in there with my chicken, my broccoli, and it was that guy? Yeah, every day, every single day. You know, the people who would be eating out all the time. I was a joke. Like, oh, do I guess you have your chicken broccoli again? Oh, what is it today? Sweet potato? You know, what is it today? Assam, like whatever it could be right? Their opinion doesn't matter to me. I'm doing what's right. So I think it's about really deeply accepting that another person's opinion. If you caught up into that, it's actually the complete opposite, which you should be doing because that's never gonna get you closer to your goals.
Ant 18:05
Yeah, I think also is to your values, right? Like, when you have such conviction in what you stand for what you what's important to you. You don't care if you're disliked. Because you believe in what you're doing what you stand for. so strongly. Anyone that doesn't vibe with that is actually a blessing. You don't mind them disliking you. Because you're so strong on what you stand for what you believe in, so it doesn't matter. I think their true courage to be disliked is when you are headstrong in what you believe in, and you're, like, justified for it. But what I would say as well, right is that validation is a room important and powerful thing. Like, end of the day, you have to have the courage to be disliked, which you know, is part of what you're saying. Having conviction with your goals, I think was a part of what I'm saying, having conviction with your values. But at the same time, you want other people to like you for that. You want to be validated for the things that you stand for. So I guess the power of or the courage to be disliked, allows people to like you back and validate that you need both, I think, I think you need people to resonate with you and your values. You have to risk being disliked to be liked by the right people, I guess is what I'm saying.
Adeel 19:31
I think it brings a level of authenticity to yourself, right? Once you let go of that desire to please other people. If you're constantly fighting a battle, where you want to be liked by other people, you'll never have peace with yourself. And if you don't have peace with yourself, you can't progress towards your goals. You cannot move forward and achieve the things that might be aligned with your purpose with your values. So truly, you must let go so that you can move on and be who you are. truly are meant to be.
Ant 20:01
If you were to give like one or two key tips on, you know, if someone's struggling, struggling with, you know, to being liked or being disliked, why would you go about that?
Adeel 20:12
It's probably a few steps that one could take, I think, I think one would be to start with some introspection is to figure out why. Why is it that I care so much about being liked? Why is it that I care so much to avoid being disliked? Why am I so afraid of being disliked? If you can actually tap into what that reason is, then you can work towards solving that, as to the actual solution is truly dependent on the reason behind why you're afraid in the first place to overcome that fear, then you can take many different steps. Although it's tough for me to generalize, some solution for everyone listening in. What I did was sign up for an improv class, an improv workshop, I went and acted goofy as fuck, in front of strangers performance for like 50 people. It was quite challenging and difficult. But there was something cathartic about that experience where I could let go of judgment from other people. And just act silly. I'll ask that same question back to what would be the two or three tips you could give?
Ant 21:23
I think, you know, I agree with everything you said. But for me, I think it's all about what you mentioned earlier about authenticity. I think when you are comfortable in your own skin, I think that's the really the tip to be comfortable in your own skin, which translates to knowing who you are your values, and what you're trying to achieve in life. And ultimately, being at peace with yourself, then you're able to be authentic. And then it doesn't actually matter to you, whether people like you or not, whether they dislike you, as long as you yourself are living your life with the conviction, with the values with the goals you have, you're going to be your authentic self, and you're going to attract the right people. And you're also going to detract the ones that are not good for you. I think that's really the key piece of advice for how I would say it. You need to really understand yourself to be authentic, to allow the right people in and let the right people go.
Adeel 22:20
So if you made it this far, I would encourage you, maybe even challenge you to ask yourself, are you caught up in the fear of not being disliked? Are you someone who's focused on just pleasing other people and appeasing them? If so, why is that self reflect be introspective, and figure out why that might be the case. And once that's done, then you can take the next steps to unlock your true potential life. And as always, stay calm
Thank you for listening to another episode of comp talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 23:10
You can also find us on Instagram at calm talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at con talks.com.
Adeel 23:16
And as always, stay calm.