Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of con talks. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one column at a time. My name is a deal, I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in box, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion dollar tech startup in Manhattan.
Ant 0:26
And my name is and I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices. We have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
Adeel 0:53
And on today's episode, we will be discussing the importance of recognizing green flags in a relationship. Typically, we focus on what the red flags are. And whilst those are vital, it's equally important to identify the positive signs that indicate a healthy and promising partnership. In fact, paying attention to these green flags can very well be the key to building a successful and long lasting relationship.
Ant 1:17
Yeah, talking about red flag versus green flags. I was using research before we started this podcast. And I found out that actually, there's four real main causes of divorce. Obviously, these are long term relationships. Number one being couples are in too much conflict. They argue too much. One other one being that there's lack of commitment, lack of them desire for being together for a long term effectively. Other reasons side war infidelity. And you know, I've seen various statistics on this, arguing too much as accounted for up to 56% of divorces, and infidelity up to 55%, as an example. So we want to make sure that we go through the opposite side of the coin, we don't want to just focus on the reasons for being for divorce or why things go wrong. We want to focus on how to get it right. And not just with the other person, but also for yourself, what are the green flags you look for in someone? And what are the green flags you yourself display?
Adeel 2:09
Totally agree, I think that's such an important thing for another person to just be looking internally and making sure that they can hopefully represent the similar green flag that they're seeking for another person for, but let's jump into today's episode. So that we can actually identify the five green flags that we think will build a healthy and happy relationship. The first one is really to value your values. Everyone has a set of beliefs, a set of principles that they adhere to, or they live by, at least hopefully they do. And you want to be able to understand what everyone's sort of base their their fundamental belief system looks like. So that you can actually identify and lead with their values and understand that you both are on the same page or not, is really, really difficult for you to build a long term partnership, if you have different values, if you're seeking for different things in life.
Ant 3:04
He agreed, I think you mentioned two things. Number one, they have values and also your own. And offensively. What are they in unison? Are they in harmony? Are they synchronized? We actually talked about this a lot in our very, very first episode, how to navigate a life of calm by defining your value system. So if you're confused on what we mean by values or your value system, I would encourage anybody listening to check that out, just go back, remind yourself about what that really means. But ultimately, to agree to your point, a deal is about happiness, harmony of values. And you know, it's very easy when you first meet someone to get caught up in chemistry and make you feel good, you make them feel good. The sparks are flying, things like that. And of course, of course, that's important. We're not saying to not focus on that. But the key to having a relationship with longevity, is to ensure that your values and your value systems are in harmony with each other.
Adeel 3:53
It's so easy to get caught up in the chemistry or the spark that everyone feels right. Like the butterflies, which someone may feel I've never felt them obviously, because I'm a man, right. But what you know, is it's actually true, right? Like having that initial chemistry distracts a lot of us. And I think what you're saying really is that to not get distracted by that it's important. Of course, we all agree to that you must have some level of chemistry with that person. But that initial spark soon does fade away. And what last are your underlying values and that's where you build a foundation, where that you can grow together whether you can learn from each other and be happy.
Ant 4:37
So I got a quick like little story here, Ryan, I'm single, I was speaking to people etc. And I remember and and actually doing these key questions, what's your number one value or what are your values? Because to me, I know that I believe that's really how you build a long term relationship. A definitely a stable one. And I speak this on where you sent me and they told me, the number one value is peace. Now, that's also my number one value.
Adeel 5:06
So on point,
Ant 5:07
he literally was so on point, right? I was like, wow, okay, I wasn't expecting that. Because obviously, there's so many values you can choose from. And that kind of really hit home, I'm okay, maybe there's something here. But really, it's not that they said peace. It's that they defined what peace looks like for them. I asked what does that mean? How it actually means, you know, to be emotionally present, to be stable to think before I act on my feelings, to take that pause. That's what it meant to them, which is what it means to me. Because I don't want to be, you know, overcome by my emotions, I want to actually be more in control and choose the behavior to act on. So my version of peace or how to, you know, obtain it? Generally, our definition of what that meant is actually the same. So yeah, if anyone is struggling to know that, you know, just looked for that value in someone else, you can just lead with what are your key values, or what is your number one value, and see if they align with yours, if you if you have yours clearly defined, it's probably
Adeel 6:04
something that we you and I, when we first started getting to know each other, we spoke a lot about that. And I'll admit that I've learned a lot about paying attention to my own values, my own value system, and then leading my relationships with that mindset upfront. So thank you for that. And I actually have a similar experience as well, that happened recently, where I went on a few dates with this young lady, and I don't care for like small talk, you know, me, I mean, you know, try to have like more deeper and introspective conversations. So I had to ask this person the same question about what are your top three values. And she gave me her top three, and one of them was growth. And I really admire that, because that's one of my top values as well. It's probably my number one value, to be fair. So if someone else does not value that, or at least share that at all, it will be tough for them to understand that about me. Because I'm constantly trying to improve constantly trying to grow, try different experiences and kind of pushed my limits. When I learned that about her asked her more about different things. And I could tell she's in alignment, what she's saying as well, because one of the other questions I asked is that if you go to host a dinner party, which three guests would you invite the three people that she mentioned, a lot of them, like, host different podcasts, because she listens to a lot of podcasts. One of them was Aubrey Marcus, for example. And who hosts, you know, successful podcast today. And I knew that she didn't just say growth, she actually means that she lives by she's someone who's trying to grow herself and improve herself. And that is really something that impressed me about that answer, because I knew that okay, I'm still getting to know her. Obviously, there's early stages. But I know that okay, there's some common shared values that we have,
Ant 7:51
yeah, agreed. So value your values also means implicitly, what that really means is demonstrating them values as well.
Adeel 7:59
So well said so well said, thinking about my experience with this young lady that I was just mentioning, and how we shared that value. That kind of leads us nicely to the second green flag that you and I have spoken about, which is to grow together, rather than outgrowing each other. If you have a long term commitment to each other, part of that is recognizing that both of you will evolve, both of you will change. No person at all ever remains the same. So you want to be accepting that upfront. A lot of people actually struggle with this, I struggle with this in the past, where I've dated people, and I didn't want them to change, I didn't expect them to change. And I'm clinging on to an older version of them, especially in like a long term relationship, which lasted several years, that hurt my relationship in the past. And I would advise anyone else to not maybe not make that mistake, because you will grow, you will change. And the best thing you can do is grow together, have a commitment to each other, that you will not only grow as individuals, but grow as a couple and also help and support each other's growth.
Ant 9:03
I alluded to divorce statistics earlier, and one of them was lack of commitment. Up to 73% of respondents put that as their main reason for divorce, or one of their reasons for divorce. I think this actually demonstrates the point. growing together means committing to that growth with each other. Rather than focusing on how you might have outgrown them. As your partner in life. You want to be each other's cheerleader, each other champion, each other support team, you're there to compensate for their development areas and then for you, and that is a level of commitment that is needed. You want to fall in the bucket of you being in a committed party, then being the committed pie, and that really means growing together.
Adeel 9:46
Let me go deeper into that right I'll actually have a question for you. What advice would you give to someone who maybe struggles to grow in their relationships? What advice would you give to them?
Ant 9:58
That's a great question. And I think that really it comes down to really specifically what they're struggling to grow in. And actually bring this back to the first point, let's say people ask somebody, some couple who is struggling to grow regarding their, how they handle their emotions, let's just say, because two people handle their emotions very differently, the action might come down to the values being different, someone may value being, like me, more reserved with how I feel, and then maybe talk about it later, I want some more assured, taking that split second, or someone else may value just being more impulsive how they feel. That's never gonna work. So if you asked me, asked me that question, I think it really comes down to firstly, knowing where your values lie and what works for you, and what doesn't work for you, you can probably avoid that inability to grow with each other, had you already tackled the first thing or values? I don't know what you think. Yeah, I
Adeel 10:54
think growth is kind of a constant check in that you have a constant, a constant habit of self reflection to make sure that you know where you stand and or see where you can go where you can improve on. I think it's also about alignment. Because over here, what's important is to grow together, right? So can you actually be open and honest with each other? Can you listen to each other's points and the underlying message between what is being communicated? If a partner of mine comes to me and says that, hey, you're fat? Or if I've put it off? If I put on weight? I probably would not take that very well, right. But if that's communicated with the growth mindset, and saying that, hey, maybe you've been on a bit of weight, you've kind of taken it lightly. And let's get back in the gym. I think it's about communication, of course, but also trusting each other and going from there. I mean, I had an experienced I there was, you know, there was a date I went on, this is a couple of months back, actually, it was someone that I was dating for a little bit, and we were out, and we had a drink or two. And after that we were just having a conversation. And I think somehow we ended up on the conversation of if men and women can be friends. And you know, she was like, Yeah, of course, guys and girls can be friends. Totally no problem at all. And I was like, Yeah, sure. I think that, you know, men and women can be friendly, for sure. And I think there's room for friendships, but it's not the same type of friendship. And she was like, Well, I disagree with that. It's but elaborate. And I built my point. And I said, Well, it's that we have differences. And I was like, I'll explain with an example. Let's say you and I are dating for a year. And after a year, I give you a call, we've obviously been comfortable with each other. And I give you a call and say, Hey, one of my friends just broke up. He's feeling really down. So I'm gonna fly him out to Miami. And you know, just to make him feel better it just for the weekend. It's a quick last minute trip, it was tough to get a spot trying to save money. So just going to share a hotel room with him. Are you comfortable that she's like, Yeah, of course, I trust you. I'm like, great, I will trust you as well, if you did the same. I was like, now if the situation was flipped, in terms of gender, same situation, we've been together for a year, I give you a call. And I say, hey, hey, one of my friends just broke up. I'm just gonna take take her out and take her out this time to Miami, I'm gonna fly her out. And we're going to just, you know, I'm just going to help her feel better, because she's just feeling down after her breakup. And you know, again, saving money, yada, yada. Gotta share hotel room. How do you feel about that now? Same exact scenario, the only thing that's changed is on a male friend, it's female friend. She's like, Yeah, wouldn't be cool with that. And I was like, that's the difference. And she's like, wow, nobody had explained it to me that way. So that, to me, was a massive green flag on her part, where she demonstrated that not only does she disagree with me, but also the capacity that she could grow, not just physically or something tangible, but emotionally and mentally that's such an attractive feature.
Ant 13:56
You know, that's actually quite an ironic point. Because you and I, I guess, at the core disagree on this, we do have I have female friends, and I don't think anything of it. But as we've spoken about this more and more, because I know something we just agree on. I've actually also understood the Hey, yes, obviously I can, you can have friends, but there may be slightly slightly different boundaries here than you would have with a same sex heterosexual friendship, right? If you've got a girlfriend that also likes girls, and you're a guy that likes girls, there's going to be a different boundaries in that relationship. And the reason for that is because you know that other things can happen when it's opposite gender, and they're both heterosexual. Or, you know, any other combination where there could be like, you know, that crossover let's put it that way. So I guess it's actually a good point to raise this because you and I disagree at the core, but I've come to we've come to a conclusion whereby we actually both accept that it can happen, but maybe we just different boundaries. So even in your friendships, your with your with your friends, you can demonstrate that green flags Understand that you can have different points of view and come to some sort of mutual understanding, like, I guess we have here. This there's that in between that helps you both, like, get on the same page
Adeel 15:09
100%. I think there's been countless, numerous times where you and I have disagreed we obviously agree on, I think, fundamentally majority of things. But there's a handful of things we don't agree on. Yet. It's always been, I think, respectful. And it's always been an open mind. So yeah, totally, I think, I think these green flags were focused on relationships, like romantic relationships. But those green flags hopefully are in all of your relationships, whether they're platonic as well. I think that leads
Ant 15:37
us on to the third point. And that really is about accountability over accusation. So when it comes to conflict, or how you handle your emotions, or just how you handle disagreements in general, it's always a good idea to lead with yourself being accountable, rather than accusing someone else of what they done, or what you think they've done. Like we kind of just went through this now with the example, we have a difference of opinion initially, but we've come to the same, we come to a conclusion that we're both happy with, right. And that's the same when it comes to accountability over accusation, you always want to be the one to say, hey, this has happened, this makes me feel x. This is why I think x rather than you made me feel X, you did this to make me that you don't want to be like that. So for example, let's put that in more into into context. Let's say somebody your partner at the time, but the person you're dating, says something and the upsets you, if you lead with you upset me, because you said I'm fat, or you know, just didn't bring the bring that right, put another nice thing to say, that's different to hey, I'm upset. Because what you said hurt me, very different communities different, very different. One is more about blame. You did this made me feel that. One is I feel upset because you said this, flipping the narrative where you focus on how you feel, and being accountable for your own feelings and your own reactions is so much more powerful than blaming someone or giving someone else the responsibility over how you feel.
Adeel 17:08
Yeah, a big part of that is just taking ownership, right, there is the massive benefit for you taking ownership of your own feelings, you can still communicate, if you had a negative feeling or a negative experience, but you still own that you can put that blame on someone else that they have to then try to go and fix around. There has to be something that comes from deep within you. I think accountability can be tough for quite people. And I'll be honest, like I think I've struggled with accountability in the past, when I was younger, for sure. There still be some situations where I still struggle with taking accountability Today, however, I think I'm much better. And part of that is just ego, I think ego comes in the way for you to take accountability, ego drives you to accuse these within yourself drives you to take accountability. And if you can actually, if you have confidence within yourself, if you are at peace with yourself, it becomes a lot easier for you to take accountability and just say yeah, messed up that one time, because it doesn't feel like any damage towards your character,
Ant 18:12
you know, a part of like being closed and your ego is also understanding how you feel in situations. So I mentioned that I was seeing this girl right now. And, you know, we, you know, knew something very, very fresh. And obviously, when you enter something, you can be cautious, which I think is completely understandable. And she called me once and was like, hey, just let you know, I'm feeling a bit cautious because of XYZ it happened. And it was you know, innocuous sort of thing. And, you know, the first thing I said was Well, number one, I just really thank you, I said thank you for leading how you feel, and let me know where you're at. And let me know why you're there. I appreciate that. And secondly, you know, I understand why you feel that way, et cetera. And I'll do whatever I can to accommodate that. Of course you kind of have to validate that. But ultimately, the thing that really made me so perked up my ears was that she led with how she felt and why a place of vulnerability placed with our ego, very cognizant of what's going on massive green flag. And I made sure that she was aware that I thought that was a green flag. So I think that's just a very common example. You just have to basically be open with how you basically have to be conscious with how you are feeling.
Adeel 19:27
Yeah, super conscious with how you're feeling. And some of the things that have actually helped me try to sift through my own emotions or my own ego is just journaling. I think that's something that has helped me take more accountability over my own actions, and make sure that I'm not accusing other people. Because certainly ego is a I think I've said this before, but I think ego is a really powerful and great thing as long as you harness it in the right way.
Ant 19:54
I think a massive part of this whole conversation is really the fourth point and that is the ability to look inward, instead of looking outward, you want to be able to really understand your own insecurities, your own projection, your own projections, your own biases. And you also want to be with somebody that understand their own themselves. You want someone that's aware of their own, their own insecurities like why they might feel a certain way, where that's come from their own experiences around prior traumas, how that could affect their relationship going forward, how they could be biased in their projections, you need someone in front of you that is aware of that for themselves. And of course, you need to do it for yourself. And that really takes an ability to look inward rather than outward looking for someone else to be the cause of it.
Adeel 20:41
Totally. I mean, I think it's quite tough to take that accountability, right, if you're not looking inward. So you know, it's a massive green flag for someone who has a level of introspection, who is open with that growth mindset to actually allow themselves the space to accept their own blind spots. Because if you're not aware of your blind spots, you risk kind of crashing and burning. And you of course, in a relationship, unfortunately, that happens far too often. You just shared some statistics in the beginning of this episode, as well. So I think it's just really about having the ability to have a regular check in with yourself. I'll ask you one question, though. Is there any room where your partner can help you look inwards?
Ant 21:28
Or without doubt, I think this actually comes down to the communication. Communication is obviously one of the main reasons for breakups. Again, I've mentioned that in the beginning, the sistex, definitely back that up, your partner can without doubt, help you look inward. And I think a big part of that is how they communicate that oftentimes, and again, we will say this, leading with why is really important, when you lead with trying to understand the other person, understand where they're coming from, why they come from that place, rather than looking to tell them why or project your own reasons why you allow your partner to open up their mind to the possibility of thinking a different way. You allow them to look inward. So the way you communicate predominantly with trying to figure out their rationale, their why, I think is the way you can help your partner,
Adeel 22:20
spot on. I think that when you're in a relationship, as a partner, you're committed commitment should be not to give your partner the answer, but to guide them to the answer. And you can only do that by asking some questions by asking the right questions by guiding them to words a path, which is not necessarily where you want them to end up. But where they ought to end up where they can arrive at the right answer by themselves. I think a lot of times, I've been guilty of this as well that I could maybe want the person that I'm dating arrive at the answer that I want them to arrive at. But actually, that's a bit of a disservice. What I have to do is actually understand them, I just have to listen to them, ask the right questions, be open, create a safe space for them, where they know that they can be honest and transparent with me. And all I can bring to the table is a level of openness, and curiosity where I'm trying to actually understand where they're coming from.
Ant 23:20
I mean, yeah, you're right, providing guidance. But in this case, you also have to allow yourself to be guided, you have to also allow you give her an green flag means you're allowing yourself to be guided by someone that you trust that demonstrates you know, an ability to lead, guiding a mean guide, I think go hand in hand for green flags towards the other person, and would yourself
Adeel 23:45
and a part of guiding yourself in a relationship and holistically through life as well, is to actually address your own traumas. And I think that that's what leads us on to the fifth green flag, which is to heal yourself, before you harm someone else. As you're navigating a new relationship, the most important relationship you have to navigate and guide through is your relationship with yourself. Is the relationship that you have with your history with your past self. What are the things that you have gone through that have helped you arrive at this point? How happy were those memories? How sad were they? How traumatic were they? What are the challenges have you overcome? What are the scars you have wishes if your wounds are still open, and it's you haven't allowed to heal, which are the ones that you're not even aware of? These are the questions that you want to see another person either asking themselves or answering those questions, so that you can identify that this person has gone through the healing process because each and every single one of us newsflash has gone through some shit. We have gone through some difficulties, some challenges and some adversity. In our own shape and form, not everyone has gone through that healing process and healing journey. That is one of the most greenest of flags that you can find. And someone else
Ant 25:11
agreed. I'm in completely agree. You know, you don't want to be someone that is caught from past trauma and bleed onto someone else. It's just not a good look. So I'm going to ask you a question. What are some tips in terms of someone that's looking to heal themselves or someone that has healed themselves as any like, things that you believe I know that hurt themselves, they've done X, Y, Zed, anything like that,
Adeel 25:35
I would say that the best example that I can give is to think of your healing journey, very similar to a physical wound. If you have a physical wound on your arm, and somebody goes and punches on it, you're going to turn to them and say, What the fuck? Why don't you just punch me, you can see that I have a wound over there, you know, clearly, and you would lash out at them and maybe like, scold them a little bit, and tell them not to do that, again, a physical wound is easy for any stranger to identify an emotional wound is not an emotional wound is one that somebody else presses on. And they can see it, but you feel it, and then you lash out at them. And then you get mad at them to say, why'd you hurt me there? But they don't see the wound. Ask yourself, What are your buttons which are pressed, which get a reaction out of you, where you lose your calm? And you're cool? Because those are probably the places that you haven't healed yourself yet?
Ant 26:34
Are there any ways someone can identify that the way
Adeel 26:37
that you identify them is by catching yourself those in those reactions? When are you overreacting? What are the things that bother you? I think that how we feel, and how we feel about certain situations tells more about ourselves than we realize. For example, I don't like being interrupted. That's like a pet peeve of mine. And it really does bother me when someone else does that. And I had to ask myself, like, why does that bother me so much? Like, why is that something that does actually push my buttons, right? Because as much as that maybe I don't like it about someone else's. There's something underlying over there. Why does it bother me to the extent that it actually does. And the reality is, I probably went through a lot of that as a child, because I was a second child in my family. And my parents always kind of gave more credence to what my older brother used to say. So that created kind of a bit of a competition and a complex within me, where I always felt that I wasn't being heard that my ideas were kind of brushed aside and I was kind of put, pushed aside. So I had to come to terms with that. And that's a small example. But something that, you know, just had to look within myself. And to go back to the earlier question that you had asked about, like, what can a person do? I think it's really about looking at what are their triggers? What are the things that bother them? Really painful attention to them? Because that's when you can actually go ahead and then heal. I'm gonna ask you the same question back. What advice would you give?
Ant 28:15
I think in terms of practical advice, I mean, I agree with everything you said, Without doubt, use I mentioned this a lot. Journaling, writing things down. You know, when you feel something personally really bothers you, go to your medium that works for you for addressing that situation for you is writing it down. I know writing things down for you works. For me, I'm a talker, I like to talk things out. Or, depending on the situation, I might actually think about things a lot in my head before I say anything, it does actually depend on what what really is going on. But we will have like our go to maybe yours. Listening is to write down to de stress to decompress. But other people might just be to talk to their trusted ones. Whatever works for you. Obviously, you need to know that first. But do that. Do that so you can understand your your triggers.
Adeel 29:03
When I ask you something, because I've been in that situation in the past. Because I've asked this question to myself, and I'm gonna ask you this as well. Is there any room to heal together in a relationship? Or does the healing need to happen prior to you getting into a long term relationship?
Ant 29:20
I do answer is neither person to being any harm to have hurt themselves or to potentially harm someone else. But the reality is, like you said, we've all got issues somewhere down the line. So you know, ideally, again, thinking about like the fact that one has something. Yes, you'd both want to be healed before you enter it into any relationship. But the truth is, is someone could bring out something new and new that you didn't understand before you had overlooked. It was a blind spot. No one is ever really hunterson held in my opinion. And I think that's where a green flag in uponor exists. That cognizant of what your pain points might Be, and they actually help you heal along that journey because to be honest, it's a lifelong journey to stay healed, to keep healing to be in a constant state of repair. I think that's what makes us human. And that's what makes you a green flag. And consequently, also make someone else a green flag in return. Okay, I think that brings us really nicely on to the conclusion. So just to go over our five green flags, again, that cultivate a happy and healthy relationship. Number one, value your values. Yes, chemistry is important. We're not saying to devalue that. But really focus on what your values are, make sure you're aware of yourself, and assess the person in front of you for their values, make sure you're aligned and your instinct with each other. Because that's going to be the basis of a long term relationship. Number two, commit to growing together, rather than outgrowing each other, focusing on growth and how you can both develop each other constantly. It's a lifelong journey, and one that is best placed when you both commit to it. Three, take accountability over accusation, focus on how you feel why you feel a certain way, rather than what the other person has done to make you feel that way, or the other person has done to make you react that way. You want to focus on yourself, understand yourself first before focusing on the other person, which leads us nicely onto the fourth green flag, which is looking inward instead of outward. You need to be able to have that level of introspection, so you can really understand yourself and put your best foot forward rather than blaming someone else. And lastly, heal yourself. We understand it's a lifelong journey. You may never be fully healed, but focus on healing yourself and being the best version of yourself every day. And look for that same calling as somebody else to cultivate a long term relationship. And as always, stay calm.
Adeel 31:15
Thank you for listening to another episode of comp talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. You can also
Ant 32:02
find us on Instagram account talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calmtalks.com.
Adeel 32:09
And as always, stay calm.