Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of calm. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one column at a time. My name is Adeel, I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in box, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability, to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion-dollar tech startup in Manhattan.
Ant 0:26
And my name is Ant. I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime-ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices, we have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
Adeel 0:53
On the last episode, we spoke about what's really important relationship green flags, those are gonna allow you to know when it's right to proceed. But to manage your relationship traffic, you must also know when to stop. So today, we're going to break down five relationship red flags that you should look out for in men and women
Ant 1:15
just want to clarify that these are our red flags, they're not all red flags, these are just the ones that we think are really important to us. I also want to say that we've ignored some more common red flags, you know, we're not going to talk about people that may have addiction issues, or, you know, they're bad communicators or don't have to communicate certain things in their life or their past traumas, things like that. Obviously, we're going to not include people with like narcissistic traits, or, you know, more commonplace red flags, we're going to stick to things that we will learn from our experience and share them with you also want to say that just because you or the person you're dating may have these red flags, doesn't mean that they are impasses doesn't mean there are things you can't work through. These things are always things that can be worked on. And we just want to highlight them, so that you can become aware of what your red flags might be, or what the person you're with may be displaying. Obviously, we want you to take this on board. And if possible, use it to make yourself a better version of yourself.
Adeel 2:15
So let's jump in. The first red flag is about regulation rejection. This is the part of a person where they can actually navigate and manage their own emotions. And a part of what we talk about accounts as a part of our ethos is actually calmness, which is effectively a state of being free from strong emotion is about your ability to regulate those strong emotions and come to objective decisions and move forward accordingly. I think that whenever you have a dynamic with another person, you have to be really present with how you feel how they feel, and how are you going to respond in that situation. Failure to do so can create a lot of conflict and problems over there. I just want to say that when a person is ruled by their emotions, that's what creates an unsafe environment. And that sort of environment does not ever build trust.
Ant 3:13
Yeah, exactly. I completely agree. Regulation. Rejection is when somebody rejects the idea, or the ability to emotionally regulate themselves. They're not able to stay present, stay calm, stay focused, and really understand where they're at. And communicate that calmly. So regulation, rejection is all about being in a clear state of mind, I'm able to communicate that. I also want to say that we've done a bit of research here. And we understand that emotionally unstable personality disorder is actually the most common type of personality disorder, it's actually something that a lot of people will experience. And they experienced it in many different ways. Whether that be from really wild mood swings, struggling with their anger, paranoia, or just having a pattern of unstable shallow relationships. So I kind of bring this to light when we talk about regulation rejection, because it's actually quite commonplace quite clearly on the sistex. That is quite difficult for a large number of people to regulate their feelings. Just because it's commonplace doesn't mean that it's okay. And that's why it's our number one red flag. We understand the gravitas of this, it can be quite widespread. But you don't want to be somebody that's not regulated and you don't want to be around them. Because to Adeel's point. It's hard to build emotional bonds with somebody that is quite volatile. And ultimately, they're just going to be emotionally unavailable for you. And if you're the one displaying that likely heard is that you'll be emotionally unavailable to them.
Adeel 4:43
And that's that's such an important point that you made that you know these red flags that we're talking about. It's not only about what to look out for another person but also for you to introspectively look at yourselves at. if I was to take a look at my life, I haven't always been able to regulate my own emotions. For a large chunk of my childhood and even early 20s, I would get really emotional and actually lash out on people quite often. Because I didn't know really how to navigate my life at calmness. We talked a lot about that on this podcast as well about how I've had to develop my c. That's not really something I was born with. But those were red flags that, frankly, I demonstrated. And through therapy and life, I was able to actually learn to regulate those emotions better, where I can identify when they come up for me, and then be able to actually navigate through them. Because the cost of that is actually not only the harm you do to your own mental state, but to the mental state of the person that you are trying to build a partnership with,
Ant 5:48
you know, talking about building a secure relationship with somebody, I think that actually brings us nicely on to the second point, which is what we call the poker player, is just somebody who holds their cards close to their chest, somebody that doesn't say how they feel or struggles to express themselves, kind of alluding to the point you mentioned, you would lash out in your past, you would find it difficult to calmly express yourself. And also say another kind of proxy for this poker player, somebody that judges first without understanding. Now, the reason we put this a second is because we also recognize that somebody that is a bit of a poker player is also somebody where it's hard to build a secure one of them, they're secretive, they are emotionally, you know, withdrawn. And of course, how can you build a bond with somebody where they're not revealing their four cards to you, they're not being vulnerable?
Adeel 6:44
You know, this one has home really, for me, not only because I was a successful poker player, but also because I tend to keep my cards close to my chest.
Ant 6:54
I have to be honest. And then this one, we named this one.
Adeel 7:00
Yeah, thank you, I saw that. I was like, you know, this is definitely pointed at me and cheeky. To be honest, you've made me more aware of it. And actually given me good advice on this only very recently, it is something that I'm aware of that I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length. And that is not really what makes the person feel secure. That's not really how you build a connection with a person, if you always keep them distance. I know why I do that is because there's a level of fear and anxiety that I'm just trying to keep myself safe, I don't want to be hurt. I think there is that element of that. So reasons aside, the fact that I'm aware of it, I try to navigate through that, and make sure that I build a bridge with the other person. So I can let them in, actually, that the best way that you can build trust with another person is to open up your own arms and trust them. That's how you can earn someone else's trust by giving it and then you receive.
Ant 7:59
Yeah, agreed. So we're talking about somebody that's a bit emotionally secretive, they're not really revealing all their full cards, but to your point, to build that trust with somebody, if you're the one that's vulnerable. First, you're the one that reveals your cards. First, you show them that you're confident or you're secure in being vulnerable. And that allows them to be vulnerable back. And that's how you build that bridge between two people, and if you are yourself a bit of a poker player where you don't always reveal how you feel. Maybe take a step back and think why that is and try and work on it a little bit. Because if you are looking to build relationship with somebody, you don't want that to be one of the red flags that your display.
Adeel 8:45
Totally, I think that's I mean, we can't emphasize this enough. As much as you must be listening to this episode thinking about these red flags that you have to look out for another person. First, always pause and reflect on yourself as to what you're demonstrating. But you couldn't have said it better. Over here. This is about building a bridge between two people who might be standing on different sides of the river. And when you keep a person distant, you inadvertently ask them to build that bridge to reach to where you're at. But effectively, if you can start building the bridge on your side as well, you both arrive at the destination and meet each other halfway. Where this all actually comes together to is that when you're looking at keeping a person distant, you might be thinking about your own self and your own needs. And that's what kind of leads us on to the third red flag that we have. Which is that you want to be cognizant of a person who might be either too selfless or too selfish. In either situation. You may have a person who is thinking too much about themselves about how to keep themselves secure, protect their own needs, and protect themselves the best that they can If they're always about me, me, me, there is no partnership that you can work on partnership, in effect is for you to actually think about the other person fairly often. At the same time, at the opposite end of the spectrum, you also could have a person who's too selfless or person who over invest themselves in relation to a person who neglects their own needs, over the needs of the other person. And over a long enough time horizon, what ends up happening is that that person is going to end up resenting the other individual, they're going to end up resenting that relationship, because they're constantly sacrificing their own needs. And these polarized situations, neither of them are would build a safe and secure environment.
Ant 10:45
Yeah, agree when we're talking about too selfish. I think some common like ways to identify this is somebody that you know, lacks acceptance of your existing life. Let's say you meet somebody, or, again, spring around to yourself, let's say you struggle to accept someone's existing life, you want somebody to change their ways to fit what you want. Or conversely, they expect you to change your ways to fit what they want. Either person is being too selfish in that regard. Same if they are you think the world revolves around us about how you feel what you want, or if they're telling you Oh, you have to consider me, me me all the time. I'm loving center of attention. And people are unsupportive of your dreams. Or if you yourself or someone is not supportive of someone else's dreams, these are all kind of identifiers or someone that's a bit too selfish. Someone has to self less, on the other hand, is probably someone that lacks a bit of self care. They don't have any self care practices, they don't know how to show themselves love. They don't like tennis balls on the day, they might know like do like their skincare routine or things like that, right? They might not go to the gym, they might not invest in their other relationships with their friends or family. They're someone that is not thinking about, they're not putting themselves first. I think another thing I really want to bring up here is about dependency issues. Someone that is maybe too selfless might also have signs of being codependent, there's something else you plug in Episode 20 and 21, the art of finding a partner, one of the key questions we discussed about is what your dependency type is, without going into the details too much there. We just want to say that codependency is also a sign of something that may be unhealthy for you, whether you're displaying and whether they are. So you also want to make sure that the person is not always putting themselves in the back position or in the further back position whereby they won't do anything else together.
Adeel 12:30
Polarized situations will always create a level of imbalance and a part of their happy life is striving for that balance. The balance that we strive for a common talks as be some progression, having a little bit of everything stable in your life is what allows you to have more security. Polarity at either end is what creates unpredictability, whether that's the person who's too selfish or too selfless. That unpredictability is what creates insecurity. And that's what we're trying to do over here and focus on creating that safe and secure place for both parties.
Ant 13:09
You know, admittedly, this is something I've struggled with, I've actually, in my past been a bit too selfish. So you mentioned peace and progression. That's something that I've always prioritized. And I'll be honest, high, sometimes over-prioritized, if you will, I was so focused on being at peace, and so focused on my progression. I did not allow for anything else in my life. Now you can argue that's a great thing. Oh, yeah, you because you were really strong-minded, and you really want it to have a peaceful life and you want it to be successful. But the issue with that is that and then what I then didn't allow anybody else in my life. Anyone that disturbed that progression, they will go on. Now. Yeah, you can, like I said, you can argue that's great. But that leads to a lonely life, you kind of have to understand that. There's a happy medium to your point. There's a harmony between being too selfless and too selfish. And you kind of gotta see it like, like the ocean, right? There's always waves crashing in. Not every wave is a tsunami. You want to have that nice flow of the ocean, where is peace when you enjoy it? Sometimes gonna go back on it's gonna go forward with us, okay? You don't want to be so rigid and being too selfless or too selfish, where even the smallest wave comes in. It feels like a crushing tsunami,
Adeel 14:29
bro, you're such a visual, visual describer and speaker, you're a poet, Man, I ain't gonna lie. What can I say? Oh, man, I just love the visual that you did over there as you usually do.
Ant 14:42
And I think you know, I think that actually brings us really nicely actually, to be honest, right on to our fourth one. And that's about accountability. Or as we say, a red flag is no account of accountability. Because I know that I'm not perfect. I'm just as imperfect as everyone right? But I'm accountable for that. I've turned around and said, You know what I recognize, there have on occasions been a bit too selfish for my goals of peace and progression. I'm accountable. No account of accountability is someone that cannot be accountable. Everything is always someone else's fault there was looking to blame, lack self-awareness to understand how they can come across to other people. And you know, there's other kinds of proxies for this as well, for example, they may have history of poor relationships, or again, that blame behavior for why things went wrong. Or they may have bad relationships with friends or family, things like that. But ultimately, it's all baked in somebody that has it behavior whereby they're not looking inwards, they're looking outwards, for reasons for why things didn't go their way, they're not being accountable.
Adeel 15:46
Do that's such an important factor or just navigating through life as a whole, like anyone who plays the victim car falls into a victim mentality is actually showing a lack of strength and maturity. And if that carries over to your relationships, then it's not again going to be something that's going to create a strong bond between you and the other person. When you take accountability for your actions, you actually come across more secure and more confident than when you're actually trying to deflect or responsibility. I will say this myself, I'm probably one of the most flawed human beings I know. I'm imperfect beyond reason. And I've made a plethora of different mistakes in my life. And I'll make many more for the remaining years that I'll be here on Earth. But more often than not, I think I can pause, reflect and say, You know what, I was my bad. And I can put my ego aside and apologize to the other person for that. The fact is that when you're going to be in a relationship or any partnership, you're going to have arguments, you're going to have fights. And what you need to ask yourself is, are you fighting to fight are you fighting to fix if you're fighting to fix, you must have an accountability from both people, both people need to be committed to this, you can't just have one person always taking accountability, and the other person is very happy with. With that No, both individuals need to be coming together in order to try to repair any of the fights or damage that has been done in a relationship and take ownership of their own parts.
Ant 17:27
Agreed. Because if that doesn't happen, then at least one person will be feeling unfulfilled if not both. So yeah, no kind of accountability, red flag. Always try and be accountable, look inwards, think about how you could do better how you could be best for the other person in front of you. And look for somebody that thinks the same way, and are
Adeel 17:47
part of feeling unfulfilled is an indicator of the fifth red flag, which is someone who really values validation. To an extent, we all need some level of validation, we do, oh, it's nice to be acknowledged, it's nice to be understood, and it's nice to be validated. Social media has compounded on that sentiment as well, because we probably seek that out to an extent. But when you value that external validation is kind of a reflection on you. Missing that value for yourself internally, when a person is constantly seeking out approval of others. Love from others, it is usually because there may not be any love within themselves. I'll be honest, like when I grew up, you know, for those of you who know me, growing up in a South Asian and a Pakistani household, there was a massive emphasis on what the neighbors, the uncles, the aunties, you know, everyone else would say about you. So there was kind of this baked in pressure of like, Oh, What will others think of me? So you kind of cared about what the opinion of everyone else was. And I'm not gonna lie, like, I think I have a little bit of this red flags, which I kind of was, I was born into with that validation, or seeking that external validation. To be very, very open and honest, I'm actually going to also say that there is an element of maybe me not getting enough love and affection from my parents. I think that's actually the core of what I feel, caused me to seek external validation. Is that because I grew up in a household where there wasn't enough emotion shown, there was a very stoic and very matter of fact, objective about like, yeah, you're, you're my kids. That's what I have to take care of you. It didn't really create that that feeling of love, which actually created a hole in my life. And I love my parents to death. They're absolutely incredible people. My late father was no longer here. They did the best they could and absolutely loved them to death for it. But at the same time, I have to admit that that is probably li word for me, caused me to value validation from others, and then trying to get caught up in kind of like partying and going down a path, which was far from calm.
Ant 20:13
You know, you've been really candid here. And I'll say, firstly, I appreciate that. And that's very powerful to share that. But I'm going to ask a follow up question. What impact did seeking validation have on your relationships?
Adeel 20:27
I would say, for the large part of my life or a negative impact, because I did not receive the love that I was seeking from my parents. When I grew up, I had no example of what healthy love looks like, if I had no idea what that is, I was left with a hole that I couldn't love myself. And without that, I think you genuinely can love someone else until you love yourself. I saw that my relationship struggled, because at the back of my mind, there was always a fear of abandonment, there was always a fear of me being left vulnerable. And that created a very anxious relationship. So unfortunately, I'd say that this has had a pretty negative impact on my life, I met some wonderful women in my life. And I think that, you know, it was probably at a time where this was still a red flag for me. And through the years, I have learned to appreciate the bits of me, the parts of me, even the ones that are completely flawed to accept who I am for what I am. And I think this red flag is something that I've overcome, which we kind of did mention at the beginning of this episode, that red flags are kind of a proxy for what you should look out for. But at the same time, I think that we all have to recognize that we're all imperfect. So look at another person's red flags with some compassion with some empathy to give them space to recognize, have they healed from what they've gone through, because we don't know everyone's journey.
Ant 22:00
I think that's actually a perfect place for us to wrap up. I think we've covered five really, really cute red flags here. And I'm going to just quickly go over them again, as part of our summary. The first one being, regulation rejection, whereby somebody is unable to regulate their emotions and communicate them effectively. The issue of that being that they are then emotionally unavailable for their partner. The second one being the poker player, somebody that keeps their cards close to their chest, they're not emotionally people to explain themselves. And they may find it hard to be open and vulnerable. Again, this leads to insecure attachments between two people. Third one being too selfless and too selfish. You really don't want to be anywhere on either side of the spectrum, but somewhere in the middle, where you're able to give and take for yourself and for the other person. Fourth one, no account of accountability. you yourself need to be accountable. And you need to identify people that are themselves accountable, so that you can own up to mistakes, and you can work through your differences. And the fifth and final one is valuing validation, looking for external validation for your life, your experiences, your relationship, wherever it might be. The ultimate problem with that being that you will form potentially insecure attachments between two people. And as always, stay calm.
Adeel 23:34
Thank you for listening to another episode of calm talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 23:40
You can also find us on Instagram at calm talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calm talks.com
Adeel 23:46
And as always, stay calm.