Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of calm. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one column at a time. My name is Adeel, I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in box, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability, to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion dollar tech startup in Manhattan.
Ant 0:26
And my name is and I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices, we have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
Adeel 0:53
On today's episode, we're going to share the secret system to keep connection with your partner and maintain a meaningful relationship. So the backstory for this episode is that aunt and I were actually chatting about some of our past relationships and how there were some quarrels that came up, where there was a moment of disconnect, there was moments where we were losing that connection with the person. And ultimately, that led to the relationship ending for both of us in our scenarios. And through our experiences, and some newfound wisdom, we've actually developed a secret system, which has helped us kind of cultivate and maintain those relationships and find those connections in those moments of difficulty. And that's what we're going to share here today with all of you.
Ant 1:39
Yeah, it's like Charoen, step by step guide, if you will, the mental process that we go through, to make sure that we maintain that connection with whoever's in our life, that special someone in our life. So I think what's really important here is, when we explain this to you listening is important, ask yourself that if you can't go to the next step within their system, that might be a cause for concern that maybe that's, you know, a reason for you to reevaluate your position within your relationship. So I'd ask is, when we go through this, try and think of a time where you've had disconnection with your partner, or where you've had in the past with a partner, try and relive that now. Try and remember that right now. And think, as we explain what we're talking about in our system, could the system have helped you maintain connection with your partner?
Adeel 2:31
So you know, I know it can be difficult, so the easiest thing to do, but if you find yourself in moments where you're detaching away from the person, try to go back to that scenario, that argument that was brewing, and ask yourself what you felt in that moment. Actually put yourself in that in that situation again, just so you can learn from it. Because here's what the first secret is. first secret is for you to tune in to your triggers, you really got to hone in to the feelings that come up for you. When that argument or any situation is brewing, where you're having a conversation with the person where maybe your emotions are riling up, maybe there's a bit of unhealed wounds that has been tapped into maybe there's some childhood trauma. Maybe it's a completely unrecognizable trigger for you to really, really focus in on that. So you can see what this is about why it's coming up, so that we can work through some next steps after.
Ant 3:33
Yeah, exactly. Really, you want to be present with how you think how you feel? And really, what is that trigger for you? What is making you react that way? And it's different for all of us, none of us have the same trigger, we will have something different that really irks us and maybe really affects us, can we have something from your childhood, it could be something in your life right now. And just a pain point for you really identify what their triggers are, tune into them, identify them so that you can move on to the next step of the process.
Adeel 4:06
Yeah, and recognize that nobody's perfect. Everyone has them. And like I agree with you 100%. Everyone has some form of triggers are not. And it's more about how much do they actually trigger you.
Ant 4:18
You know, I'll be honest with you. This is something that triggers me. Somebody's speaking to me in like, a rude way condescending way, speaking to me like raising their voice to me, especially. And just generally when I feel like it's unkind that really affects me just being open. doesn't feel good. That really makes me just want to back off. Shut down. That could be different for you listening. It could be different for you, yourself, or do we have different ones?
Adeel 4:45
Yeah, totally. I mean, like one of the triggers for me is like when I feel disrespected, if I feel in any moment that I am not respected by the other person, in a relationship or honestly even in a platonic friendship is really just irks me. And that's something that I had to deal with, like, why is that the case for me? Why is it that I take a sense of respect so deeply, and I had to really look at the fact that the other person actually intended disrespecting or not, because that's also a big part where we tend to judge ourselves for our intentions, because we all if we make a mistake will be like, Oh, we didn't mean to do that. But when other person makes a mistake, we don't judge their intention, we judge their action. So really had to actually start looking at another person's intentions, so I can better understand them.
Ant 5:32
Yeah, I agree, you looking at someone's intention is paramount for you to understand whether your trigger was actually one that is warranted. If so if somebody accidentally triggered you, that's different, obviously. So yes, must also always take into account someone's intent.
Adeel 5:48
One thing I just want to say as well as that, you know, I do meditation through the headspace app, which is a phenomenal app, which we're going to link out in the in the show notes as well. But I use that to meditate every morning. And one of the techniques they teach you is noting. So if you're listening, and you struggle with identifying your triggers, or maybe when you get emotional during arguments, practice this technique of noting that next time when you have an emotion or a feeling that comes up for you actually note, whether it's you being caught up in a spiral of overthinking or is it actually an emotion or a feeling that's coming up for you? So first just mentioned that, okay, there's a feeling that's coming up for me and actually named that feeling. Note what that feeling is, it could be anger, it could be feeling hurt, feeling, feeling pain, could be jealousy. There's a lot of different emotions you could be feeling. But the first step is for you to build a practice to note it in real time. And that only comes with practice.
Ant 6:49
Yeah, for me, I can't see you answer this question. I have this feeling I'm putting this in quotes of shying down or being of dissociating, when I'm hurt, I want to back off, I need some time to go into my shell sort of thing, protect myself and my go into my protection mode could be different everyone, somebody could react angry, like you said, so you know, independent of everyone, the point we're making is to tune into your triggers, to make sure you're aware of what is triggering you, and then also, how that makes you react.
Adeel 7:21
That's just the first step of you being present and being aware and conscious of what's happening in front of you. Once you've done that, that's what leads us to the second secret in the system. And that is to rethink your reaction. What happens with a trigger is that once you do feel triggered, you react impulsively, not consciously, because you're kind of taken out of that moment, for whatever reason, that's an opportunity for you to recognize what's coming up for you, but also to reevaluate how you want to proceed from this moment on, you go from being unconscious, or maybe acting in your subconscious to actually responding consciously. So you could remove yourself from the situation you could reject. Or ask yourself, do I actually want to build a bridge with this person instead of burning it?
Ant 8:12
Exactly. So when you rethink your reaction, in terms of the system to keep connection with your partner, what you really want to say is, hey, number one, I have this trigger. It's making me react this way, or contributing to me reacting this way. Now, how do I react? Do I want to continue having a connection with my partner? Do I want to build connection with them? Or do I want to go impossibly react on my trigger, for example, for me, it used to be and sometimes depending how tall that trigger is pressed, I still may want to dissociate. So you have to constantly ask yourself, Do I want to connect with my partner, insert an extra narrative into your process and ask yourself, Do I want to connect with this person? rethink their reaction.
Adeel 9:01
You know, and I've been guilty of this, you know, you shared your example, I've been guilty of this where my reaction when I feel a level of disconnect from the person that I'm dating or whoever I'm in a relationship with. My reaction happens to be to eject myself from the situation. Number one, I know I'm a little prone to getting angry. So I know that about myself. So anytime I feel emotions coming up, I actually want to remove myself from the situation. It's something that I grew up with, I've actually learned how to manage my anger. And one of the ways that I learned to manage it is to remove myself from situation when I feel anger coming up. However, that's not the best reaction when you're are building a connection with someone because they may feel abandoned in that moment. So instead to your point, and this is something that we spoken about off the mic is to just focus instead of my trigger and my emotion is the Focus is actually really shifting to the bigger picture, which is to actually connect with the person on a deeper level, and avoiding any action or response, which would eat away from that.
Ant 10:12
And I think that leads nicely onto the third point. Once you have rethought your reaction, and you asked yourself that question of, hey, I don't want to connect with this person, do I want to be connected with this person? If the answer is yes, then you need to communicate to connect, you need to be able to open up and explain that, hey, this triggered me number one. However, I want to connect with you. Number two. So let's find a way so that we don't, you know, have this disconnection, let's find a way for us to remain in harmony, let's find the middle ground, let's find a way for us to manage the situation. So we're both happy.
Adeel 10:54
Once you've actually clarified your intention in the previous step. Now you can actually work towards what you're trying to accomplish, which is, in our case, hoping for connection and a meaningful relationship. Do remember that the ethos that we try to encourage and I hope, if you follow as well as peace and progression. So when you're going into this realm of having that communication with the person, you're going in with the intention to walk away with peace, but also progress your relationship into a better situation into a better connection and a meaningful relationship. So all that to say, think about how you can walk in and be compassionate with other person as well. These are not easy conversations to have, especially if emotionally riled up. We're talking about it from a perspective of you, keeping your emotions in check, but always takes two to tango. So do try to go in and try to empathize with their situation and their feelings as well. Because as you communicate, you just have to show compassion to each other and be understanding of each other.
Ant 12:00
I think once you've gone through the conversation, you have communicated your desire to connect, you're communicating very clearly that you want to resolve this, they want to be on the same page once that conversation happened. And of course, that conversation is specific to the situation that's going on. Whatever situation that we asked you to rethink earlier in the episode, I hope you can relate to it right now. And think, oh, had I communicated Connect. Thereafter, once that conversation is done, the best thing to do next is to validate viewpoints, validate the other person, tell them you understand where they're coming from, why they're coming from that position, you can relate to how they feel you understand how you could have impacted their feelings, validate their viewpoints, validate their emotions, show them that you're present for them. Because when you show someone that you're present for them, when you give someone emotional availability, you're able to foster a very healthy relationship.
Adeel 12:59
Yeah, absolutely come in with a perspective to try to learn their side of the story. I think a lot of times when we're in an argument, or when we feel triggered, we just want to be understood ourselves. And we may neglect that the other person has the exact same feeling or desire that they want to be understood to. So go in into this conversation with the intention to say as much as I'm going to try to be understood, I have to give equal parts importance to understanding my partner, because the best way to actually receive a level of understanding is to give understanding to the other person to just a quick question on that, actually, just to detour a little bit, but it's not always easy to have these conversations. What if the other person that you're trying to validate their viewpoints, they don't seem to be validating yours or understanding your perspective?
Ant 13:57
Firstly, that's a great question. And I said this earlier, if at any point in this process, you can't move forward, there's actually a bigger reason that you need to think about your relationship. There's something that is missing either from you, because you cannot perform these steps or from them. And maybe it's the combination of you both are not able to do for each other. So in any part of this process, let's say you can't identify your trigger. Number one, if you can't identify yours, you're never gonna be able to communicate it. So true. So it's over already. Let's say you do identify your trigger. As number one, let's say you do think I want to react whereby I want to keep connection and you explain to them and everything's good. But then you can't communicate that. Then it's over again. Let's you can communicate it, and then we finally get to the validation point. But they don't care. And then oh, yeah, well, you shouldn't have felt that way anyways, or I don't see your point of view or you're stupid to feel that way. Or I don't understand why you would feel that way. Again, it's over. At any point in this waterfall structure, if you find that there's a level of misunderstanding, it makes it pretty much impossible to move forward.
Adeel 15:08
And that's the beauty of this system that we're describing over here, right? It's, a lot of times with this, when the arguments happen, you may be navigating uncharted territory, there might be emotions, and feelings and traumas that you have not resolved or ever dealt with. And that's what systems help with. Imagine that you have never cooked in your life and you're given a bunch of ingredients, they could be the best ingredients in the world, you could have the best kitchen supplies in the world. But if you don't know what you're doing, you're probably going to make a mess and maybe burn the place down. But if someone gives you a recipe, to follow with steps that will help you and a navigate that situation where you may also be new to you, but you could still be able to use the recipe, or the system. In this case,
Ant 15:56
are we honest, I've been in situations in, you know, my younger years, where some of the system would break down. Like, for example, I've been in situations where that communication wasn't there, I understand why someone may be feeling some way, or I understand where they're coming from, from their triggers, I look to connect, but they can't explain to me what's going on where it comes from, why it makes any sense, to me anyways, you know, was actually based on something that was objective, or was it based on something that they thought happened, there's many ways that communication can break down. But ultimately, you need to communicate to connect need to explain yourself in a way that each person understands. Otherwise, it's over. And only then after that can move on to that validation point.
Adeel 16:39
You know, this happened to me recently, actually, where I had a disconnection with person and going through the system, actually realizing that it's important to actually understand each other's perspective, understand where the other person is coming from. And one of the things that I also try to do is figure out the right timing for that. So for example, like if it's a fresh argument, or a fresh feeling that's coming up, I personally like to let some time go by so that emotions kind of settled down so that our adrenaline is actually calmer that we feel a bit more logical and kind of just composed in that situation. So this happened to me recently, where there was an argument and you know, a little bit of a disconnect. And instead of getting into a fight, at that point, just letting some time pass by, walked around for a little bit, held each other's hand, and then actually sat down at a bench and just talk things out. And we were able to kind of get through all these steps. And ultimately, we arrive at the fifth step, which is the fifth secret of the system, which is ultimately to forgive each other. Once you have gone through the process of validating each other's views, you have reflected a level of understanding each other, of recognizing the other person's point of view. But to truly move on and heal, you also have to take accountability and accept that both of you could do better. And maybe one can do better than the other. And that's fair too. But there has to be a level of healing that comes from trying to fix and forgive each other. So that was also one of my experiences that in the past, I may not have been very easy to forgive a person. And I learned that that doesn't really help either case. Today, I'm quick to accept, when it's my fault, ask for forgiveness. And I'm also quick to forgive, because that's the only way we can move forward,
Ant 18:51
completely agree for your relationship to grow. For it to flourish, we have to learn to forgive. But this comes as the final step, after you've identified your triggers, you know, you want to connect with them, you communicate it, you validate, and thereafter at the end, you have to forgive each other for it to flourish. Otherwise, you remain disconnected. And that's ultimately what we're trying to avoid here. The secret system is to keep connection, so you maintain your meaningful relationship. And forgiveness is a key part of that.
Adeel 19:22
And yeah, totally. I mean, there's, there's going to be a heavy heart, right, it's a bit depending on the level of argument that you had and other or the contents of the topics that you've just discussed with each other. And it's just important to recognize that those things happen in relationships, you know, no relationship is perfect. No relationship is without any quarrels or qualms. You know, there's going to be ups and downs. That's how life goes, unfortunately. And it kind of is what it is. You have to accept that and you have to be able to have the tools and the mindset to be able to navigate those different scenarios. Ultimately, I would just say that try to read He knows that each argument and fight that you do come across, if you walk away with the connection maintained, that is just a step closer for you to truly understand each other, and be better partners for each other.
Ant 20:14
So I hope he finds episode helpful. It's our secret system to keep a connection with a partner and how to maintain a meaningful relationship. As I said, In the beginning, if you can think of an experience where you had a disconnect with somebody, and run through these steps, could they have helped you. And if they can, let us know. You can find us@instagram.com talks, and you can DM us or you can post on our page and let us know your thoughts. And if it helped, we would love to hear from you. We've had great feedback from a lot of our followers saying our tips have helped. And we'd love to hear if this has also helped you to just to run through them again. Number one, tune into your triggers. You want to be aware of things that affect you things upset you things that cause you to disconnect. And number two, you want to rethink your reaction. You want to ask yourself, Do I want to connect with this person? If the answer is yes, then you need to do the third thing. Communicate to connect, clearly articulate that you want to build the connection with this person in front of you that you don't want to continue having disconnection that you're Cognizant in your approach. And once you hate each other out, validate viewpoints, validate each other, help each other feel how each other think how they got there, why they got there. And lastly, flourish in your relationship by forgiving loan forgiveness. So you too can ultimately grow a more meaningful relationship. And as always, stay calm.
Adeel 21:48
Thank you for listening to another episode of calm talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 21:55
You can also find us on Instagram at calm talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calm talks.com
Adeel 22:01
And as always, stay calm.