Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of con talks. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one column at a time. My name is a deal, I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in box, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability, to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion dollar tech startup in Manhattan.
Ant 0:26
And my name is and I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices. We have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
Adeel 0:53
On today's episode, we're going to share how you can create a life of confidence by mastering your insecurities. Look, everyone has insecurities, and we're all susceptible to feel threatened at some point. But when you build true a genuine confidence, you learn to navigate your own self doubts. We actually have a bit of a backstory for this episode. So I'm going to hand it off to you.
Ant 1:16
Yeah, it's a bit of a funny one. But it does relate to the topic of insecurities and how they come about, and really why they come about this backstory is really to do with like something that was triggered from an emotional connection, a romantic one, I was told that, you know, sometimes I can be not the most romantic, which to be fair, I think it's kind of a fair statement. Sometimes I can not be the most romantic. But really, that made me kind of feel a little bit insecure. And we think, Oh, maybe I'm not good enough, quote unquote, good enough. And, you know, got me thinking, you know, I have insecurities? Everyone does. And you know, I'm sure we all do. But really, how do i Master that to create a life of confidence? How do I work with their insecurities, to you know, get the best out of myself, and honestly, where they're coming from and why. And that really was the motivation for this episode, we really wanted to take a spin on the topic of insecurities from all angles, and help you understand why they're there, where they come from, and ultimately, how you can acknowledge them to build a life that is confident, irrespective of having them insecurities,
Adeel 2:23
it happens to the best of us, right? I know you're pretty well, you're not insecure person. But everyone has insecurities, and there's a massive difference between that person could be insecure, and a person could have insecurities. And those are two different scenarios that you actually will find yourself in. You're an insecure person, there's something deeper that you need to look into as to why that is that you may find yourself always feeling starting at the smallest indiscretion. But a person who has insecurities is someone who has a wound or something where you feel attacked, and it's a point of attack. And that's what we're going to be dealing with today is how you deal with those insecurities. How do you actually build true and genuine confidence within you, so that you can navigate and build more peace and progression in your life. So let's start, the first thing to do is to have a moment of insecurity identification, you must first identify what the insecurity is. In your case, it was a it was an example of someone calling you unromantic. That's what happened to you. For some other people, it might be their hair loss, they might be their height, it might be their looks, their status, could be a bunch of different things, and each individual will have different insecurities that come up for them. First, you must actually have the self awareness to identify what that is. Yeah, I
Ant 3:49
agree, completely agree. There are really a lot of common ones, quote unquote, common ones that a lot of people struggle with. Another one might be imposter syndrome. You know, maybe you don't feel like you're competent at work. And maybe you doubt yourself or your abilities at work. And another one, I think, you know, to sort of encapsulate what the backstory here was, maybe I don't feel competent at being a romantic partner. I don't feel secure in what I can deliver on to somebody else. Maybe there's some question marks in my mind in the back of my mind. So really, insecurity identification is acknowledging that you have insecurities, you first need to understand that you're going to have them. And importantly, you need to understand where they're coming from, you know, is it because you're insecure because of what happened around you what you see or you can pay yourself to? Or is it because you yourself are insecure about something internally, maybe saying that you've internalized because you don't like something about yourself irrespective of comparing to somebody else. Maybe it's something that is antagonized by your lack of confidence or your lack of emotion towards a subjects are so an area, you really need to start questioning yourself of where the insecurities are coming from.
Adeel 5:06
Yeah, I mean, you shared a few good examples over there. And I'm just curious as well. You know, when whoever this was asked you about this was the last time you sent her flowers?
Ant 5:18
Oh, man. Such a good question. You know, you know, so I was thinking yesterday, just yesterday. Oh, man, I should really buy some flowers on the way home. Yeah, but I didn't go past a flower shop. But But no, seriously, I've never bought them flat. Well, that's not actually true. But I've not bought the flowers in a wild answer your question. And I think that's such an easy, quote, unquote, easy romantic gesture, or maybe sort of smaller gift, or just something that is going to resonate with them and their love language to demonstrate that you're romantic towards them and their needs?
Adeel 5:54
Yeah, man. It's this simple things like that. Right? Like women love flowers. I'm not trying to generalize. But I've no never come across a lady who doesn't like seeing flowers in a vase at home. So just wanted to check. I was getting curious over there. But yeah, man, I mean, I think it's about knowing what your insecurities on. They also come up in different scenarios, right? Like you brought up a great example around work and competence. It could be in your relationships as well. I think a lot of times, there's jealousy that comes up for from a feeling of insecurity and relationships. And for you listening at home, I would ask you and challenge you maybe even to think about when you get triggered, what are certain situations that you seem to have a more of an emotional response. And because that's probably where your insecurities lie. If you're already aware of them, fantastic, that's actually a step ahead. Because that really is where you must start this journey. But if you're at a stage where you're actually turning around saying, I have no insecurities Good on you, but sorry to break it to you, it's quite possible, you still do have some insecurities. So that's really the first step.
Ant 6:58
I think that's really important to say that as well. Because ultimately, your insecurities are yours to own. No one else is, you need to identify that you have them, acknowledge what they are, and accept that they're yours to own. Otherwise, you can't move on to the second step, which is to unbury the treasure. Once you identify that you have something you acknowledge it, you need to understand the source. Is it from yourself, as I was kind of alluding to earlier? Or is it because of some sort of comparison with somebody else go a bit deeper, you need to really understand where that insecurity is coming from. Because without understanding where you're not able to find a resolution. And if you don't know where your resolution lies, you won't be able to be confident.
Adeel 7:45
Yeah, you really have to think about where that's coming from, what's the source for? Why it's happening? Is it because of the personal experiences that you had in the past? Which are breaking into the present moment? Or is it something that you went through in your childhood, where maybe you were made fun off, like, I'll share an insecurity that I had when I was a child, which was around my ears, because I had pretty big monkey years, and I always used to feel like a monkey when I was young. When I was young, it really bothered me, I felt like kind of disproportionate. But you know, thankfully, thanks to God, I've kind of grown into a more proportion itself that I don't have that insecurity anymore. But you know, you can have physical insecurities you could have insecurities about being made fun of for your weight, made fun of for just how you act, there could be different things that can come up for you. And you just have to identify that source of pain or threat that you're feeling. Where did it start from? Where was the first instance that you can recall and remember, for that insecurity for for you to pop up, because that's when it manifested into something greater that you have carried into your adulthood?
Ant 8:53
You know, just going back to say, the weight the example you gave, I think this is a good example of when we're talking about unburying the treasure understanding is internal external. If somebody's making fun of you, say for example, for your weight, that's something that is externally triggered, someone else is doing that to you. But if you internally are like, hey, you know what, I'm not happy with my weight because I don't feel healthy. Or I think I could be healthier by eating better or exercising or whatever it may be. That's internal, saying that internally triggered? So you really want to understand is that something coming from someone else on to you? Or is that something you internalize because you know, or you believe internally that is not good for you not right for you, not healthy for you.
Adeel 9:36
And you know, through your life, you'll also probably come across scenarios where someone else might be pressing on your insecurities might be pressing on your wounds, and that's certainly something that you also probably have to identify to make sure that you can recognize when your friends or partner or maybe even family members at certain points are intentionally or unintentionally pressing on something which true because you because ultimately what will happen is that when somebody triggers your insecurities, you're going to react in a way that is impulsive, and probably not aligned to your values. And that's why for you to just actually be introspective and reflect on where that's coming from, what's the source for it is a crucial step in your journey or building a more confident lifestyle.
Ant 10:21
And regarding that point of confidence, when you understand your position, for example, where you got to and why you got to it, you're actually confident, because you are self assured of where you are and why you're there. And that's really why with Quran burying the treasure, because when you really get to the root of why you have the insecurity, you're actually able to flourish and build a confident life,
Adeel 10:43
and a part of flourishing. And building a confident life is where you learn to either accept things as they are, or adapt, which is our third step that will help you build a life of confidence, either accept or adapt to your scenario. For example, if someone feels insecure about their height, there's not really much you can do about it. I mean, maybe you can buy some heels, I've seen some ads actually, for shoes for you and for men, which will raise your height just a little bit. So shout out, and maybe you should give them a try. I know you can take it, I know you've accepted the you know, I know that every time I've hung out with you, that's never something that bothers you. Because you've learned to accept that, you know, you can't really change your height. And that's really how you want to react in that situation. Because there's only two options that you have, either accept the way things are, or make a change in your life to actually adapt to the situation that you have. Now, for example, you mentioned weight, your weight is something that you can change your, you may have some natural tendencies and some biological precursors over here. But by and large, you can go ahead and start having a healthier diet, you can start working out it is something very much in your control. So it's really about understanding which position you're in regarding the insecurity.
Ant 12:07
I think ultimately, that also is what leads to a confident life. Because once you understand whether or not you can accept it, or adapt, you're able to make a conscious choice on how to move forward. And when you make that conscious choice and how to move forward, it enables confidence because you are actually proactively making that choice. So understanding whether to move forward by accepting or adapting are both ways to move forward with confidence. And you can certainly
Adeel 12:35
work around certain things as well, right? For example, my skin color, you know, like when I was in Pakistan, which can be a really colorist nation, where you're made fun off for your skin color very commonly, from a young age. And that happened to me when I was young. But over time, I learned to just accept that and recognize that this is how God made me this is how I am biologically, I can really do anything about it. Well, that's not true, right, I could probably get some fair and lovely and skin skin creams that are out there. But that was not something that I personally wanted to do. But that comes down to of course your own response in this as well. I think you have to recognize what are the things that you can alter, and what are the things you cannot. And you can also work around them. Let's say that you're insecure about your height, or any other factor, which is kind of physical, but you can really alter, you can work around it by building other aspects in your life, maybe work on your charm, your humor, maybe work on having a good job and some security, some financial security that you can build does a lot of other things that you could bring in which could quote unquote, increase your value in society.
Ant 13:52
So we know that's a short one today. We wanted to really keep it quite concise, and break things down in a very easy to digest way. And it's really just in the three simple steps. One insecurity identification, identify your insecurities, know what they are, be conscious that you have them, acknowledge them and ultimately own them. Number two unbury the treasure I really get to the root, the source or the insecurity is Why do you have it? Where did it come from? And ultimately, is it something that is internally driven or is it externally driven. And thirdly, either choose to accept or adapt?
Adeel 14:40
Thank you for listening to another episode of comp talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 14:46
You can also find us on Instagram @calmtalks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calmtalks.com.
Adeel 14:53
And as always, stay calm.