Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of calm talks. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one calm talk at a time. My name is Adeel I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in Pakistand, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability, to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion dollar tech startup in Manhattan.
Ant 0:26
And my name is Ant. I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices. We have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
Adeel 0:53
Have you ever been in a relationship where trust gets broken? Have you ever found yourself in a position that you have to rebuild and rekindle that very trust? Is it even possible to continue the relationship when such boundaries have been breached? Okay, in every relationship, there are some challenges, there are some troubles that you go through when trust is broken, that's a really, really delicate matter. It takes time to build trust in the first place. And once that is damaged, it can take much longer to reestablish that same level of vulnerability and honesty, that transparency that allows for a solid foundation of a relationship. On today's episode, that's where we're going to be diving into when there is a breakage of trust in your relationship. How do you actually go about to repair that, and we're going to show you the tips on exactly how to do it from both parties perspective.
Ant 1:54
Importantly, we're going to discuss both from the victim perspective, where you're the person that has had your trust broken, and also from the quote unquote, culprit perspective, where you're the one who has broken someone's trust, we're going to look at it from both lenses, and give you a few tips and tricks on how you can both go about repairing their relationship. And both learn to trust each other again,
Adeel 2:17
and there's a few things you have to recognize, anytime that you know, conflict arises, or this, this sort of situation arises where maybe a partner lie deceived or in some form or fashion, broke your trust, there's going to be a disconnect between you two, you know, two people who have come together to be on the same team for the shared vision, same goals and to serve each other. Now, there's going to be a disconnect between the two of you. So in order to do that, you have to first recognize that there has been a disconnect that this is a problem that you both need to solve. And you have to address that head on. So before we even get to the tips, I just want to establish some ground rules over here that before you start working towards repairing this relationship, make sure that there's a few precursors that have been met ahead of time.
Ant 3:07
Yeah, completely agree. When we're talking about this topic, we are talking about it in terms of both people wanting to repair their relationship. And of course, the first thing to want to repair is to recognize that it needs repair, which was your point, I believe. So that's obviously the first thing that we think is really important just to make clear here that both people firstly recognize that they want to repair and that they're going head consciously to try and repair. which obviously means things like prioritizing each other being proactive in this repair, and actively choosing to consciously take the steps required to do that repair.
Adeel 3:45
And once you recognize that this situation is not beyond reprieve, you can then actually own that. And then actually from the perspective of the culprit, or the person who's actually broken the trust, the responsibility is on them to express some remorse, some regret over here, before you go on to the next step of actually trying to rekindle this relationship. There has to be that acknowledgement from the person who has breached a boundary where they do actually express that regret, the last thing you want to do is try to fix this with someone who isn't exactly seeking forgiveness from you in the first place. And another thing just to add on top of that is that, you know, once you have established that, you know the person has expressed a level of remorse where you feel that it's genuine that whatever mistake that they've made, assuming that it is a mistake, because we understand nobody's perfect that you trust them that they are willing to go through the steps in order to fix the relationship. Now you can actually prioritize what that repair looks like. And there's an element of being proactive over here. Nothing in this world is going to fix itself. While miracles can happen. We certainly expect that you know, with a situation like this, you may want to actually have some guardrails and some structure Round, what it is going to take over the course of maybe several weeks, it might be several months in some cases, and be proactive and in terms of committing to that work that is needed.
Ant 5:11
And that quite nicely segues into our first tip regarding repair. And that is that it takes two to tango. Now, maybe somebody did break your trust, and you're the victim here in this case, but ultimately, you're still within the relationship, you're still part of it, you are still a pair. And to repair a relationship, you both need to dance the same dance, you need to sing to the same tune, otherwise, it won't get fixed. So the first thing to do really, is to recognize that you're both tangoing together, both try and actively work on that repair together.
Adeel 5:48
Yeah, absolutely. I think that is the most poignant point that we could make is that the you're still on the same team. And no matter which team made that you have, no one's ever going to be perfect. And you have to recognize that some mistakes can be reversed as long as that person is committing to that. So the onus is on both of you to try to actually fix it, we know that there's an element for the person who has broken the trust that they would want to be proactive in trying to rebuild and earn, or I should say re earned the trust of the person. But even the person who's been hurt, maybe they have some fear that is brewing for them. They could also help rebuild their relationship over here, as I mentioned earlier, that when when this sort of situation arises, there's been a disconnect, the bridge that connects both of you has been broken. Now you can leave the other person to rebuild that bridge, or you can help them rebuild that bridge, if you choose to reconnect with them,
Ant 6:46
I think will be really helpful here as an example. So let's say somebody lied to you, and you feel hurt. And you're like, Okay, you then you feel like you're the victim, like I've been lied to as an example. Well, you can sit there and say, Well, X Y, Zed, you lied to me. And you're putting yourself in the victim mindset. Or you can turn around and say, You know what, it takes two to tango. What did I do, that may be influenced you such that you lied to me, for example, maybe you are someone that is very defensive, maybe you're someone that can't take accountability, maybe you're someone that projects quite a bit, and then that person doesn't feel safe to tell you the truth. And then they forget they have lied to you. Now, I'm not justifying lying in any capacity. But I am saying you have to have the mindset understand that you have a part to play in this Tango relationship. It's easy to sit there and say I'm the victim and I got hurt. But there may be something that you've done that contributes towards you getting hurt. In my example, maybe you were defensive. And that's why your partner didn't feel that could be honest to you,
Adeel 7:58
you know, calm talks, we preach a message to always stay calm. And in a moment where you feel heard, where there has been some lies, some dishonesty, or it could be any sort of infidelity, it could be different for each person, this is gonna be the most difficult moment for you to stay calm. But it's probably the most important moment for you to remain poised in this situation. And there's an element for you to take a step back and try to be empathetic with the other person, even though this will be really difficult. Try to be compassionate towards the other person and recognize where they're coming from. I totally admit that this could be difficult for any person who finds themselves in this position. But the actions of the other person or something that are beyond your control, your response and your reaction is completely within your control. And for you to just express a level of compassion towards them will actually go a long way to repairing this relationship.
Ant 8:56
If I may, I'm just going to take a moment and actually give my own personal story here. So I've been in a situation where somebody walked away from me, which I found disrespectful. And, you know, obviously, I let the person know that, that doesn't make me feel good. But I also at the same time said, Hey, did you walk away? Because I made you feel that you couldn't come and tell me how you felt? Or did you walk away from me because you were scared? Or because you feared that will be dismissive. So in that moment, yes, I'm doing like harming how I feel. I don't like that. I think I'm being disrespected. But I'm also open to the fact that I could be contributing to that. And therefore I asked, So just because you may, maybe just because somebody may have broken your trust, doesn't mean that you are always the victim and that you have to still show that empathy and compassion towards them and towards yourself by being open to the fact that you yourself could be contributing to it.
Adeel 9:56
I think that's such an important point about the compassion. No only extends to that person, but also to yourself, because you have to be in touch and aware of your emotions. And that's what kind of learned. And that's what kind of leads us on to the second tip that we have, which is that you have to learn to let go, you have to learn to let go of the emotions that are coming out for you, whether that be anger, frustration, grief, betrayal, whatever that feeling, or that emotion that you have, which is arising in that situation, you have to come to terms with it, process it, and try to recognize that what is the purpose those emotions are serving for you? Is it helping with the reconnection, which is your priority? Or is it actually leading you to a bout of disconnect. And once you can recognize that, then you can actually let go?
Ant 10:48
Yeah, you know, in my example, I, you know, maybe initially felt angry, let's just say, to be honest, I was pretty calm. But I can understand if somebody would be angry or being disrespected, or what they feel is being disrespected by recognizing the moment as, quote, unquote, the victim in my mind, that I can't hold on to that, I've got to let it go, and have to be present for the other person, if I want to make it work with them, if I want to make things be functional, and ultimately focus on the repair. So as the victim, I have to let go of the fear of being hurt again, I recognize that, yeah, I could focus on the anger or the grief, maybe like the emotions that you mentioned. Or I could pivot my mind and say, You know what, I'm not going to let that dictate to me, I'm going to be vulnerable and open here, because I want to make sure that this relationship is functional, and is one that I can repair. But conversely, if you're the culprit, and you're the one who has done something to hurt the other person, you also have to have the humility to turn around and say, I own that, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna do that again, and comfort that person, show them that empathy that we mentioned before. So equally as the corporate, you have to learn to let go free yourself from your ego, and be emotionally available for the other person.
Adeel 12:05
And that's probably going to be really tough, you know, because if you're in a position where you have to admit your faults and your mistakes, No one enjoys that. But we all are. We're all are imperfect, and we make mistakes. So it's it's a huge step for that person to actually take complete ownership and accountability of what they have done, and be able to, and the only way that they can actually do that is when they let go of their ego, because the ego is going to actually hold them back and force them to still live in a bit of a lie where they're going to try to defend themselves and justify their actions. And that's really not going to lead or progress the relationship to the path that you both desire. In that reconnection.
Ant 12:48
We're just gonna take a quick intermission here. I've mentioned something that I think a lot of people can relate to, which is somebody walking away. But in this intermission, I'm going to ask you to think about a time that you've been hurt in a relationship, or conversely, where you've hurt someone. What happened? What did you feel what did the other person who they feel if you hurt them, and I want you to just take the next day seconds, just to think that through, and keep that in mind for the next segment. So we have that in your back pocket. The third tip that we have is to sort the source. And this is especially important for the culprit, the person who has broken the trust. And what we mean by sort the source is actually be introspective. Think about what is the reason for why you behave in that way that caused that distrust. For example, let's say you wanted to go out with your friends, let's say, and something happened when you were out. And whatever happened was a cause of contention in your relationship. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this very sort of routine rudimentary example. Where the source actually might be that your friends might have been a good influence in you in that situation. Maybe that's the source, maybe the fact that you're going out in a way that cause that contention is because you're looking for some sort of escapism, whatever it may be, you know, I'm not going to tell you what that thing is. I'm not going to tell you what that source of contention is. But I am going to tell you that you need to sort the source, you need to figure out what it is that caused that distrust in your relationship, and really get to the root of it.
Adeel 14:27
And there's going to be different for each person. I mean, we're talking about some example in the case of infidelity. You have to figure out where did it happen? How did it happen? Was it the case that you know, you found yourself at the clubs where you taking some substances, whether that be drugs or alcohol? Were you hanging out with the right crowd? I mean, that's also another element like you know, you could be on a trip with your boys or girls and you know, like, some funky stuff can happen. So really think about what is the source of that? Are you around the right company? Are you around the right people, the right environment? And where's this action coming from? I mean, there's different elements of of where this could happen as well, we're talking about, like infidelity, for example, or lying. But it could be just maybe it's trust was broken because your partner found you messaging another person on Instagram or, you know, sending some pictures on Snapchat, there's all these different levels of betrayals that could happen. And you really have to look deeper sometimes as well. And ask yourself, why were you engaging in such behavior? Why were you communicating in an inappropriate manner? With a person? Who is something that you wouldn't appreciate? If your partner was doing? Is this coming in from a fact that you're looking for some validation? Is it coming from a place of insecurity? Where is that betrayal actually rooted in? Why is it causing you to actually do something that you wouldn't want done to yourself?
Ant 15:51
I think you've really mentioned something there. And what we're really alluding to is past traumas affecting your current relationship. So as another example, let's just say, you know, you have accused your partner of cheating on you, or you've accused them of being, you know, deceitful in some manner, and your partner can be completely innocent. What are you doing that because you're projecting your past experiences are you doing because of some deep fear that you have, because of maybe what happened to you, or because of what you've seen happened to people you love, maybe you're bringing something into your relationship, and therefore you're the cause of that distrust in your relationship, when your partner could be completely innocent. Maybe you are the victim of that, and you're like, hey, I don't know why you're accusing me of doing such things, I would never do such things. You know, because you're both in it together. Back to our first point, you both have to effectually sort the source together if you want to repair. But especially as the culprit, go that one level deeper and get to the root of your issue, if it is past trauma, or if it is some sort of behavior that you're doing that represents some some issue that you may have get to the source, so you can really fix it.
Adeel 17:06
sorting the source is probably one of the more complex steps and what it takes repairing a relationship, because it requires you to be because it requires you to get deeper and be introspective within yourself. And it forces you to face your demons and take them hang on so that you can actually try to absolve them. Now, while this is probably one of the one of the more complicated steps that you need, in terms of repairing your relationship, once this is done, the next step is really about going back to the basics. What you want to do, once you've gone through the difficult period of introspection, now it's time to get back to the simpler things about the relationship, simple things about dating, try to call up the person again, try to have fun again, try to reignite the spark that's been lost due to that trust being broken. And this will take of course conscious effort on both parties perspective, because we've talked about how it takes two to tango, you do need both people to be committed to this and trying to rekindle that relationship. Again,
Ant 18:12
completely agree back to basics effectively just means learning back to basics effectively means falling in love again, doing things that first got you interested in each other first got you attached to each other first cause you to trust each other, do them things again, go back to them basics for you to your relationship, so that you consciously repair your relationship after an event of mistrust.
Adeel 18:38
And I think that's what happens when a relationship does come through this juncture. And hopefully, most don't, but some eventually do. And when that does happen is that you're caught in the heat of emotions, you're caught in the heat of the moment of what's going on. And sometimes all it takes is a moment to take a step back and do the simple things again, and do them the best you can. And I think you said it quite brilliantly about it's about falling in love again.
Ant 19:03
One thing I would say has an extra step here and actually comes as its own tip is to re up on reassurance, especially when there's been an element of mistrust and the relationship. Of course, you want to try to fall in love again, you know, as we just said, to go back to the basics, but you must also make sure you do that one thing extra. You need to make sure that you are reassuring the person that this mistrust event won't happen again. And as the victim you want to be reassured of that. So on both ends, they cooperate must do the reassuring and the victim must be open to be reassured you know simple things like reminding them how much they mean to you, or making a small extra gesture or telling them how they make you feel things like that to make sure each person knows what the relationship means to them.
Adeel 19:53
This is probably one of the most important tips that we can give on this segment. Because once trust is broken the If the person who's the victim in this scenario will feel a level of insecurity, they will feel a level of doubt. And the only way to overcome that doubt is by giving the person reassurances over a period of time. And for most people, this will look very similar because it's about feeling important. Again, it's like feeling a priority. Again, when somebody betrays you or goes behind your back, you don't feel an important part of their life anymore. And now, the person who's trying to repair the relationship can do simple things like sending a good morning text, making sure that the person is feeling like you know that you're the first person I'm thinking about in the morning, maybe it's about sending voice notes, maybe, you know, going old fashioned writing old school letters, or by just written notes, like simple things like that make a big difference. I would go so far as to say that I wanted to reassurances depending on again, depending on what happened, let's say it is some messaging that happened on Instagram, or Snapchat, is about you, actually, maybe even giving a password to the other person, letting them know that there's nothing to hide and call me old fashioned. But I think that, you know, partners exchanging their iPhone passwords should be no problem at all. Like, the only reason you would want to hide them is if you have something to hide. Maybe I'm old fashioned in that,
Ant 21:17
I think irrespective of you know, ultimately we can give you some specifics. But the real thing we're trying to say here is that re upping on reinsurance is what you need to do when there's been an element of mistrust. And lastly, and you mentioned this just a second ago, is to give it time, and that is our concluding point. Whenever you want to repair something, you have to recognize that it won't happen overnight. This is a conscious, proactive effort of prioritizing the repair, it will take time, and you have to be dedicated to it for it to work.
Adeel 21:51
Rome wasn't built in a day, and your relationships won't be rebuilt in a day either. So you have to give it time, you have to be patient with it. Throughout the process. Of course, stay calm, stay compassionate, stay empathetic with yourself and the other person. And recognize that giving a time does not mean that you just sit idle. giving it time means that you practice patience, and empathy. But you also look out for the markers that we've shared with you today as well is the person going through the work and being introspective? Is the person giving you the reassurance on a daily basis with those small gestures, which may seem trivial, but actually go a long way to making a difference in that relationship and building that connection again.
Ant 22:32
So I know we've covered a lot today. I'll quickly go over this just to summarize. Firstly, our first tip regarding repairing a relationship. It's number one, that it takes two to tango, you must both consciously choose to repair together. Number two, learn to let go. If you're the victim, probably one of the biggest things you need to learn to let go of is your fear of being hurt again, as the culprit, probably you need to let go of your ego have the humility to understand the way you've done something that could have affected the other person. Thirdly, sought the source. You really want to get to the root of the issue. Not to skirt around it, not to dismiss it, but to really go deep and understand why you behaved in that way as the culprit of the mistrust. Fourthly, back to basics, caught again, fall in love, again, reignite that spark, make the other person feel prioritized. And as the victim, you want to be open to that. Equally, you want to be open to reassurance, you want to receive it as the victim and as the copy. You want to make sure you give it such that the other person knows that they are really important to you. And lastly, both agree that it takes time and patience to rebuild and repair relationship. And no matter what you do. Remember, stay calm
Adeel 23:56
Thank you for listening to another episode of calm talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 24:03
You can also find us on Instagram @calmtalks and join our mailing list by visiting our website at calmtalks.com
Adeel 24:09
And as always stay calm.