Adeel 0:05
Welcome to another episode of calm. We're here to help you lead your life of peace and progression one column at a time. My name is Adeel, I went from someone who barely passed high school growing up in box, a country that's infamous for sectarian violence and political instability, to now being a successful consultant who manages some of the biggest accounts at a multibillion dollar tech startup in Manhattan. And my name is and I have gone from growing up in one of London's most financially deprived and crime ridden areas to today working in New York City as management, and one of the world's largest consultancy practices, we have both turned our lives of chaos into calmness by focusing our minds on two main goals, achieving peace and progression. Today, we share our stories, our learnings, our mantras, and our guiding principles with you. So you too can build your own life of calm.
So it's time to jump into today's episode. Today, we're going to be talking about how to build a love for life, six essential reasons to maintain a long term relationship. A lot of times when you're in a long term relationship, or maybe just even in the dating phase, where some months have gone by, you may find yourself in a position that you're asking yourself, Is it worth to keep going is this the right person for me, is this really the person that I want to put my time and effort into? Now, if you haven't been exposed, or don't have the experience, or have been taught by another person about what to look out for, you're going to find yourself pretty lost. Today, we're going to break down different reasons of what is absolutely critical to build that foundation to build you a base of what is really important when it comes to keeping a relationship going.
Ant 1:47
You mentioned some really good points there. But you know, This advice is also applicable for people that have been in a really long relationship, and maybe people that have maybe traversed a bit of a rocky road, some people that are maybe have gone through some difficulties, and they're considering should they continue this long term relationship, we think these essential reasons will also be applicable for you as well. So let's
Adeel 2:07
jump straight in. The first and most important reason that you want to keep a relationship going is to have shared values. When you're in a relationship, where you have different values, you're always going to be at arm's length, you're always going to be at a tug of war, where you're pulling against each other, let's say one person values, modesty and the other person actually values openness, then that can be a bit conflicting at times, because it depends on what it means to each other, the person who's modest, maybe wants to be a bit more closed off a bit more reserved. And the person who's a bit open by nature is maybe a bit of the opposite. It really does depend on what it means to each person. But when you have different values, that's going to be really difficult for you to keep the relationship going. So definitely one of the first places that we would start when it comes to making that decision.
Ant 2:59
So if you're listening to this, and you're wondering, well, do we have shared values? The first thing you need to ask yourself is, well, what are my values? Then? What are their values? And do we align? Start easy? Maybe just list your first three values? What's really important to you? What do you really pride yourself on what really makes you you and see if they align with your partner, that'd be a good indicator to understand whether or not you should maintain this long term relationship. At all, say, for me, personally, one of my main values, if not, my main value is prioritizing my peace. I want somebody to match me on that. They have the same definition of what peace looks like, what it feels like how acts out in the day to day situations, and obviously in like, the more difficult situations. And that's my priority, and I want somebody to have the same understanding of that, and do that for themselves. And if we are aligned there, then that's a number one value in agreement. And for me, that will lead me to a long term relationship that I think will stand the test of time. And I for you a deal. One of your main values is progression. I'm sure you may find it difficult to be with somebody that doesn't focus on progression.
Adeel 4:11
Absolutely, I think that's probably the number one value that I have. And I tried to find that and other people, especially the person that I'm with. So for me progression means to constantly evolve, constantly grow and never reach a state of stagnation. And that's difficult because a lot of times in a relationship when time goes by people get complacent. People get comfortable, and they let themselves go. But I think that the progression of time also warrants the progression of me, the progression of me as a person as an individual and the progression of the relationship. A lot of times in dating or in long term relationships a person meets another individual as time goes by years go by and then they realize that oh this is not the same person that I fell in love with in the beginning. Well of course not. They have grown they have Change the very least people change, right? So the best thing you can do is commit to their growth and actually grow together.
Ant 5:07
Completely agree. But regarding people changing, yes, they do. But oftentimes people's values stay consistent. And that's why if you know your value, and that's why if you know your values, and you know, there's and they're aligned, it's more likely that your relationship will last the test of time, then that's why we think it's the first thing to prioritize, or the first thing to think about as a reason to maintain a long term relationship. If you and your partner have the values aligned, it's a very good start.
Adeel 5:36
Sharing the same values gives you a bit of a base, a base to build on top of, and what you build on top of depends on what your vision is, and that vision usually transpires to what your goals are, goals are the second reason that you may want to keep your relationship going. A lot of times in our relationship, you may get persuaded by things such as the intimacy that you share, maybe the sex is great, all these different aspects, but really, what you must focus on is having shared goals. If you have a vision for where you're trying to go towards in the future, then that's something that you can both work towards together. Where do you want to be in five years in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Now, everything doesn't have to be set in stone. But there should be a level of clarity as to what your ideal life looks like when you're 50. Of course, things change plans change. But there's some broader goals that you can align on. And you can also discuss with each other which goals, are you willing to compromise which are uncompromising?
Ant 6:41
Yeah, completely agree. When talking about long term relationship, it can last years, decades even, and what's really gonna keep you aligned, if your goals maintain, if your goals continue to be aligned. Let's say you want children next five years, then that's the goal you're working towards. So you want to retire while you're in the next 20 years. That's a goal you're both going to work toward, let's say you both want to go live abroad and next 30 years and these goals, if you at inception, have the same goals, you're more likely to keep yourself on the path together to maintain a long term relationship. So if you're wondering, you're struggling, or is this relationship for me, ask yourself what your goals are, ask your partner what theirs are, and understand whether or not you're aligned.
Adeel 7:25
For example, my girlfriend and I, we share the same goal in terms of trying to get out of the matrix. We both talk about that actively, it actually is something that we both not only encourage each other, but support each other. We talk about the fact that yes, we're part of the matrix that every part of the system, how do we get out? When will we get out? When we get out? What are we going to do move to Portugal, Heath know my plans around that, I know you're going to be my neighbor in Spain and, and those types of goals, kind of motivate each other. And then also give us a reason, which is bigger than us to kind of get behind to support each other makes a such a big difference. And you know, we're speaking about goals, because what goals allow you to do is have a deeper understanding of the other person about what they're working towards. And I think if you understand where the person is going, by nature that allows you to have a bit of admiration for the other person, certainly something that I feel. And with that admiration comes respect. And that's the third essential reason that you will want to keep your relationship going. Once you have shared values, shared goals, if you have a mutual respect with each other, you can actually work towards those goals with your values in mind. So respect to me, is absolutely paramount in any relationship. It's of course, as always a two way street. And it's something that you have to be actively providing to each other for specially if that's one of their values. I
Ant 9:01
completely agree. I mean, if your value is to is respect, and you respect yourself, implicitly, you will respect your partner and their wishes, their goals, their desires, their values. So respect is really like you said a two way street, both for yourself and for them and also receiving from them.
Adeel 9:18
You mentioned something about respecting yourself. respecting yourself can show up in many different ways. respecting yourself could show up in ways where you set boundaries with not only the other person but other individuals in your life. Maybe your friends, your family, your colleagues, everyone in your life. respecting yourself may also look like that you will have a desire to work out, be physically fit, maybe even be mindful of what you're eating because you respect your body. So respecting yourself shows up in so many different ways. And it's actually one of the best ways that you can compliment your partner in a relationship because once you respect yourself, inherently, your partner will respect you more Okay, so
Ant 10:00
we're gonna take a quick intermission here. We've just spoken about respect. And we're going to ask you listening in, what does respect look like to you in your relationship? What does it look like to when you receive respect when you feel respected? And what does it look like to you? When you show respect to someone else? isn't how you speak to them? Is it how you make them feel is about being available for them? Maybe it's how they speak to you how they are loving towards you, maybe how they speak your love language? Take a second and just think, what does respect look like to me? And how do I give respect. And let us know what you think about that. You can find us on Instagram calm talks, send us a DM or comment on one of our posts. Let us know how respect shows up in your relationship and why it's fundamental for you maintaining a long term relationship. One other thing that really keeps the relationship going, is trust. We know that something that is maybe more obvious to say, but it's something that we can leave off this list. Because without trust, there is no relationship. And crucially, when you trust somebody, and when they trust you, it's hard to ever replace, it's hard to ever find in somebody else. Because trust is such a sensitive thing. So when you have that basis of trust for each other, your relationship is able to stand the test of time, and crucially becomes the reason to continue going.
Adeel 11:22
I think you said it perfectly. Without trust, there is no relationship. Absolutely something that I believe in. And trust is one of those things which the as the old adage goes that it takes years to build, but it could be gone in a second. And it will take a lot of time to actually build after that. We actually do talk about how to rebuild trust, if trust is lost in your relationship on our previous episode, Episode 44. So if you are in a situation where trust was breached, then do check out that episode. Because it is absolutely essential for trust to exist in both parties to give you peace. And you mentioned that peace is such an a value of yours, you can be at peace, if you don't trust the other person. Or if you feel trusted, it kind of goes both ways as well, I'm sure the person who doesn't feel trusted doesn't have the best feeling either. So you really want to have that shared understanding with each other, that it's you and I together, we're in it together, we're in it for the long haul, let's go into the fifth essential reason to actually maintain a long term relationship. And that is an undeniable commitment to each other. When you are in a partnership with another individual. When you commit to each other, what you are effectively saying is that you and I are going to run through this life together, we're going to walk through all the challenges that come our way, we're going to overcome each and every single one of them together. That means if you fall, I'll pick you up five for you pick me up, sometimes we'll pick each other up. And sometimes we'll have to pick ourselves up. And the most important part of that is that you to come to an agreement, that the relationship that you're in is a choice is a choice that you're making every single day, every single day that you wake up, your choices will have to reflect on what's best for you, as a couple, what is best for you as a partnership. That means always having the consciousness, the awareness, the presence, as well as the commitment to each other, as you're going through each day.
Ant 13:34
Yeah, completely agree. I mean, to maintain a longer term relationship, you need to commit to maintaining a long term relationship, you have to wake up every day, and choose this person again, and again and again. And they equally have to choose you. So without commitment, there's also no long term relationship. And that's why it's an essential reason needed for a relationship that's gonna last stand the test of time.
Adeel 13:57
You know, for me, I used to really believe in love marriages, when I was younger, you know, a bit of a hopeless romantic. But then as I've gotten older, I've I've come to realize that of course, those exist. But a commitment to each other is transpired in every arranged marriage that exists. And look, I'm not saying every arranged marriage works out. But statistically, most of them do way better than love marriages. And the reason for that is that two people come together, they have shared values, usually, because they're coming from like, some similar families, similar religions. And then they just decide that yeah, this is the person and then that choice is reflected every day. And if you actually commit to that, which I do believe that in life, life is mostly about decision making. It's about the choices that you make. Of course, there are certain choices that are made for us which we cannot control. But by and large, our lives are a result of the choices that we make, and our relationship is no different. Our partnership is no different. So if you go into an Knee long term relationship. And you can actually have the sensibility to realize that you know what I am here, I choose everything, whether it's you choose to be dishonest, whether it is that you choose to be loyal, whether it is that you choose to make that person, a coffee, or a dinner, or you choose to completely disregard what their thoughts and their feelings may represent. Everything is a choice. And we can take control of that.
Ant 15:34
Some things are choices, and some things are based on how you feel. And that's why the last essential reason to maintain long term relationship is love. When you love someone, maybe that is not really your choice. Maybe it's just purely emotional. And love, as they say conquers all. Love is your final reason to stay in your long term relationship. When you love someone, you give your own. You commit you respect, you share their values, you have your goals together, you trust each other. And that is the ultimate reason, or one of the ultimate reasons to keep it going.
Adeel 16:11
It's probably one of the most important reasons I mean, if you want a love for life, hopefully love in your life. And it certainly doesn't hurt right when two people are together that you love each other. I think that that's certainly something that we try to encourage at least I think that Andrew and are probably sure that he told us a little bit were in a relationship, of course, I think you and I are generally pretty rational, we think with our heads a lot. And we will be quite analytical on a lot of the decisions that we're making. But at the end of the day, there is no love between one another than it's you catches up to you eventually. So absolutely, it's it sounds cliche, I know that and at the same time, it's it's just an essential ingredient for any relationship.
Ant 17:03
So let's wrap that up. We've got six essential reasons to maintain long term relationships starting with number one, values, specifically shared values. Number two goals. And again, specifically shared goals. Are you working towards the same thing? Do you want the same thing in life? And number three, respect? Do you respect yourself? Do you respect each other? Do you respect the relationship? Do you do that in the same way? Number four, trust again, is a trust between you mutual. And do you trust each other to show up each day? Which is our fifth point committing to each other? Are you committed to this relationship? How do you do that everyday? How do you show up? And how do they show up for you? And lastly, but maybe the most important is love. Do you love each other? Because if you do, it's one of the main reasons to stay in a long term relationship. And as always, stay calm.
Adeel 18:09
Thank you for listening to another episode of calm talks. And just as a reminder, if you like what you heard, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.
Ant 18:16
You can also find us on Instagram at calm talks and join our mailing list by visiting our website@calmtalks.com
Adeel 18:21
and as always, stay calm